Acknowledgement: I am grateful to Yoshiwara Yukari for her invitation to translate this text in 2010.

     Dazai Osamu (1909-48) wrote Shin Hamuretto (The New Hamlet) in the spring of 1941 for publication in serial form by the prestigious literary journal Bungei Shunju that June, in other words just months before the bombing of Pearl Harbour and outbreak of the Asia-Pacific War. At a time when dissent against the militaristic regime was rigorously suppressed, and the teaching of English literature prohibited within Japanese universities, it is remarkable that this adaptation of a work by a foreign playwright, which is evidently so critical of both war and patriarchy, should have escaped censorship. It is notable also that Gertrude’s suicide by drowning at the end seems to foreshadow Dazai’s own suicide by drowning seven years later; this, incidentally, is one of a number of features that he changes from the original, where it is Ophelia who (whether deliberately or by accident) dies in this way. Dazai’s adaptation seems as shrouded in mystery as the original, but somewhat similar to the original, it is clear that Dazai intended his first attempt at a full-length novel to be some kind of magnum opus. He wrote to his fellow novelist Ibuse Masuji that

The genre that Dazai adopted is probably more familiar to German readers than to readers in Shakespeare’s own country. Lesedrama was popularized by Schiller and others as ‘a play for recital’ that is not meant to be performed like a conventional play. In fact, Dazai’s adaptation has been successfully staged a number of times, most recently in December 2008 at the Shizuoka Performing Arts Centre (directed by Miyagi Satoshi), but its lengthy speeches and degree of psychological depth give it the texture of a novel, and so it is usually as a novel that it is encountered by Japanese readers.

     Dazai frames Shakespeare’s play within this new genre in order to explore a series of emotional states. At about half the length that an unabridged, four-hour production of the original takes, Dazai’s adaptation is even more selective than its reduced length would suggest. The nine scenes correspond to the following scenes from the original:

Scene One

Based on 1.2 of Shakespeare's Hamlet.

Scene Two

Laertes bids farewell to Ophelia and Polonius, who offers paternal advice before remonstrating with Ophelia about her relationship with Hamlet.

Based on 1.3.

Scene Three

Hamlet and Horatio engage in conversation on the castle ramparts. Horatio tells Hamlet of the Ghost, although it does not appear, and never will appear to Hamlet, and also reveals the rumour of the real cause of his father’s death.

Loosely based on 1.4, but with no appearance by the Ghost.

Scene Four

Gertrude questions Horatio closely about her son’s behaviour. Claudius arrives to announce that Polonius has handed in his resignation.

Dazai’s interpolation.

Scene Five

When Polonius approaches Hamlet about his strange behaviour, Hamlet promises that he will marry Ophelia, whom it appears he has made pregnant. With Horatio’s appearance, Polonius decides that he will help the two young men find out the truth about the death of the old king.

First part loosely based on 2.2, when Hamlet appears deranged to Polonius, and then welcomes the Players to Elsinore.

Scene Six

Gertrude and Ophelia have a chat in the castle garden, which is showing signs of spring after a hard winter. Ophelia expresses her admiration for Gertrude and her love for Hamlet.

Dazai’s interpolation.

Scene Seven

Polonius, Hamlet and Horatio recite Christina Rossetti’s dramatic ballad ‘The Hour and the Ghost’ before Claudius, Gertrude and the rest of the court. An appalled Gertrude interrupts the performance, and with Claudius praising their efforts it is concluded.

Loosely based on the Players’ scene in 3.2, except that the actors are Polonius, Hamlet and Horatio rather than a company from the outside, and it is Gertrude, rather than Claudius, who halts the performance.

Scene Eight

In private, Claudius fiercely berates Polonius for the performance he has just directed. Polonius swears loyalty to the king, but is eventually taunted by Claudius’ insults into accusing him openly of the old king’s murder. Claudius attacks Polonius with his dagger, but Polonius is apparently unharmed. This final exchange is witnessed by Gertrude.

Dazai’s interpolation, except that Claudius’ lunge at Polonius reflects Hamlet’s fatal attack of Polonius in 3.4, and it is Gertrude rather than Polonius who has been hiding ‘behind the arras’.

     It is clear that the adaptation serves not only to encapsulate Dazai’s feelings about life but about the play, freely adapting the structure, plot and rhetoric of the original to his own concerns. Dazai retells the story as two tragedies, not simply that of Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, but also of the House of Polonius, who is given a much greater role than in the original. Although Dazai’s Hamlet loathes his uncle, he seems less obsessed with avenging his father’s murder, never encounters the Ghost in person, and never even expresses a wish to kill his uncle; he will, after all, be king one day. This sense of resignation is reflected in the eerily subdued, Victorian period piece that Hamlet recites with Polonius and Horatio in Scene Seven. Rather, it is Polonius who has more to lose as rumours circulate of his daughter’s pregnancy by Hamlet, and he hands in his notice in the knowledge that his family will be ruined. If Claudius really has killed his brother, then then in Claudius’ heart, Polonius will always be associated with the old regime and therefore suspect. Gertrude’s suicide, together with Claudius’ callous reaction to the suicide and his previous accusation in Scene Eight that Polonius fancies his wife, suggest that the couple’s marriage is indeed a marriage of convenience, even that Gertrude loves Polonius for the loyalty he bore her late husband. The question of Polonius’ loyalty to his former master is not discussed in Shakespeare’s play, but would make more sense in a Japanese literary context, where loyalty is often a central theme. Moreover, it is Polonius, not Hamlet, who organizes the Rossetti recital; unlike the horrifying allegory of Shakespeare’s ‘Mousetrap’, the elusiveness of Rossetti’s dramatic ballad suggests feelings that even Polonius does not understand. Polonius is presented as every much as divided character as Hamlet.

     Dazai’s ultimate fascination, however, lies with Hamlet as a lonely individual compelled always to speak the truth. As he says to Polonius in Scene Five,

Hamlet’s unique position as heir to the throne give him a freedom as well as a certain responsibility to be true to his feelings, which in the dark and untrusting environment of the castle make it difficult to form meaningful relationships; the psychological touchstone that he needs most, namely his father, is dead and gone. Dazai, as the scion of an old aristocratic family, is no doubt reflecting on his own situation, as well as that of numerous of his young contemporaries who were struggling to be ‘modern Japanese’ in the oppressive society of 1930s and wartime Japan. Ironically, the only character who succeeds in becoming truly ‘modern’ is Ophelia who decides to put her own needs first and to dismiss Hamlet as a time waster.

     Dazai makes relatively little of Shakespeare’s rhetoric in this prose adaptation, but surely communicates the energy of the original in the energy with which the characters contest their various problems. In choosing to adapt Shakespeare’s Hamlet in this way, Dazai creates his own bridge to the new society that was to emerge out of the ashes that were to result from the imminent conflict of the Asia-Pacific War.

Daniel Gallimore

February 2010

Dazai Osamu

Foreword

     It was ‘something like this’, or at least there is no other way of putting it, but I wish to insist to the reader from the start that this work is definitely not a commentary or notes on Shakespeare’s Hamlet, nor does it offer any new interpretation. In other words, it amounts to little more than playful creative license on the part of the author. The names of the characters and most of the settings I have taken from Shakespeare’s Hamlet in order to describe the misfortunes of a single household. Over and above that narrowly psychological intent there’s not even a fragment of academic or political significance to my work.

     It is likely that the archetype of ‘the unruly young man’ is a long established one. I have described the sequence of events that befall a family (or strictly speaking, two families) centred on one such young man over a period of three days. As you can imagine, if you read the play just once over, there may be aspects of the play’s psychological development that are easy to miss; as for readers who do not have time to read the play two or three times, their understanding will be limited. To readers, then, who have not had the time, I would strongly recommend additional readings. Moreover, readers who are pressed for time will, I am sure, make some interesting discoveries if they compare my own ‘New Hamlet’ with the original.

     In preparing this work, I reread the translation by Tsubouchi Shoyo and the new critical edition by Uraguchi Bunji. Uraguchi’s edition includes the entire original text. I sweated my way through this with a dictionary at hand, and no doubt learnt a lot about the play from reading it in this way, although there is no need to record my feelings in detail here.

     I hope also that Dr Tsubouchi’s disciples will not object that in the second part I have gently parodied some lines from his translation. Reading Dr Tsubouchi’s translation, I realized how suited his historic kabuki style was to a play like Shakespeare’s Hamlet. 

     Reading the original, you feel you are in the presence of a colossus, a great, gushing column of water, a group of characters whose footsteps can be heard loud and clear. That’s how I feel. Efforts like my ‘New Hamlet’ are no more than the faintest echo of the real thing.

     In the second part, I have also taken the liberty of embellishing on a little of Christina Rossetti’s dramatic poem ‘The Hour and the Ghost’. 

     Finally, I should also note that although this work does to some extent resemble the form of a play it is really not intended as such. I have always been a novelist, and know almost nothing about writing plays. I would like my work to be read as a kind of Lesedrama, in other words as a novel. 

     This work has taken me four months to complete, February through May of this year. Looking back, it was quite a lonely task and yet it seems I can write nothing else for the time being. This is all of which I am capable for the time being, and so I won’t begin to make any cod excuses for myself.

Early summer, 1941.

Dramatis Personae

Claudius, King of Denmark

Hamlet, son of the late king and nephew of the present one

Polonius, Lord Chamberlain

Laertes, son of Polonius

Horatio, school friend of Hamlet

Gertrude, Queen of Denmark and mother of Hamlet

Ophelia, daughter of Polonius

Others

Place

Elsinore, capital of Denmark

SCENE ONE

The Great Hall in the Royal Castle of Elsinore

KING   You must all be tired. I thank you for your support. Our eyes are still wet with tears from the terribly sudden passing of the late king, and the throne having passed to my humble self and our nuptials with Gertrude celebrated, I feel quite exhausted. Yet all for the sake of the fatherland. On due consultation with yourselves here assembled, and your consent assured, I am sure that my elder brother, the late king, would forgive our insensitivity to the nation’s grief if we proceed to business, in other words to the problem of Denmark’s deteriorating relationship with Norway. An outbreak of hostilities seems probable, and I have not been able to have a day’s rest. With the prince Hamlet still young, I have ascended the throne at your general behest, even though I have neither the skills nor the abilities of the late king, nor as you can see his distinguished features, indeed am so lacking in abilities that I might hardly be thought to be of the same blood as my brother, so that just when I was beginning to wonder whether I could really bear the responsibilities of kingship and endure the foreigner’s insults, Gertrude of renowned virtue pledged herself to my side for the sake of the nation, to become my strength and shield. Now the castle is safe, and Denmark is secure. I thank you all for your cooperation in this matter. It is now two months since the late king passed away, and those two months have passed like a dream, and thanks to your wise counsel without any serious mistakes made. Inexperienced as I am, I rely on your continued advice to soothe my worries. Ah, I forgot. Laertes, you had something you wanted to ask me.

LAERTES   Yes, I was wondering whether I might be allowed to go and study in France again.

KING   If that’s all you want, then of course go ahead. I’ve asked a great deal of you these past two months. We have got past the first stage, so by all means study at your leisure.

LAERTES     I am much obliged.

KING   You have discussed the matter with your father, I suppose. What is your view, Polonius?

POLONIUS     Yes, he has been pestering me on the matter until last night I finally gave in, and told him to seek your majesty’s permission. Well, he is still young, and a little French sophistication cannot do him any harm.

KING   That’s not unreasonable. Laertes, for children their father’s permission is more important than that of the king. The harmony of a family is itself an act of loyalty to the king. With the king’s permission, all the better. Have fun, but not so that you damage your health. Young people have so much energy for having fun it makes me jealous. Hamlet, you don’t seem to have been well of late. Why don’t you go to France as well?

HAMLET   France? You must be joking. I’m going to hell.

KING   What’s the problem, my boy? Oh, I know, you’ve been saying you want to go to Wittenberg University again. But you must get a grip on yourself, I beg you. You’re going to be king of Denmark yourself before long. This is a difficult time for the country, which is why I have ascended the throne in your place, but when the crisis passes and the people’s hearts are at rest once again, I shall ask you to take over, and get some rest for myself. This is why I need you by my side so I can gradually and carefully impart to you the lessons of government. No … I want you to help me. Forget about going to university. I’m asking you this as if I were your father. The queen will get lonely if you’re not around. You haven’t looked at all well recently.

HAMLET   Laertes …

LAERTES   Yes.

HAMLET   You are fortunate to have a good father.

KING   What are you saying, Hamlet? I won’t have you sulking like this all the time. It’s so sardonic and affected, stop it now. If there’s something troubling you, speak it like a man, clearly. I don’t like the way you talk like this.

HAMLET     Shall I speak clearly then?

KING   I know what it is, and I would like to take this opportunity to speak at leisure with you man to man. The queen is not angered either. When you are young, it is only to be expected that you should demand an equal hearing. I too still have things I need to reflect upon. There’s no need to cry about it, Hamlet.

QUEEN   These are crocodile tears. Ever since he was a child, he’s known how to cry for attention. You should be a lot harder on the boy.

KING   Watch what you say, Gertrude. Hamlet is not just your son. He is the prince of Denmark.

QUEEN   That’s why you need to be harder on him. Hamlet will soon be 23. You can’t carry on treating him like a baby. As Hamlet’s mother, I am ashamed of him. Today is your first audience as king, and Hamlet is the only one still in his black mourning wear; he’s doing it on purpose. He may still be in mourning himself, but he hasn’t even thought about the pain his behavior causes us. I understand exactly what’s on his mind. These mourning clothes are meant to irritate us. They are meant to make us remember the death of the late king, when no one can forget it. We all still grieve for the late king. It is just that we are not so shrunk in grief as before. We must think of Denmark, and of the people of Denmark. We do not have the freedom to grieve. My own body I cannot call my own, but there are matters of which Hamlet has not the slightest understanding.

KING   That’s a little harsh. You should give the boy some space to breathe. You are just hurting him for the sake of it. If Hamlet asks too much from his mother in the way of consolation, then of course you will react in that way, but for the young, rather than hiding their feelings, it is essential to speak openly. That is something I always bear in mind. I do feel that everything that happens depends on words. Gertrude, just for today, I beg you. If Hamlet wants to wear his mourning clothes, it’s of absolutely no inconvenience to anyone. The feelings of youth are pure. It would be quite wrong to force him to adjust to our own lifestyles. We must treat him well, and indeed we probably have something to learn from his integrity. While I think I understand what you’re saying, time passes quickly, and we may lose something important. In any case, I would like to talk at leisure with Hamlet, so please everyone if you will excuse us for a moment.

QUEEN   Yes, listen to what the king says. I was talking out of turn just then, but as it is your prerogative, do not be too gentle on him either. Otherwise, he will never turn out for the good. If the old king were here, I’m quite sure he would have got angry with Hamlet, and thrashed him soundly.

HAMLET   I’d like that.

QUEEN   What’s that again? Show some respect.

KING   Hamlet, sit here, or just stand as you are, or if you prefer, I shall stay standing. Hamlet, you’re a big boy, about the same height as me now, and you’re going to carry on growing into an adult. But you ought to put on a little weight, you know. You’re wasting away. You look pale as well, not good. Remember who you are. Consider the great responsibilities you will bear in the future. Let’s have a little chat together then, since I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for some time now. There are a number of matters I should like to discuss with you frankly, and for you too to speak frankly and without restraint to me. However much we may love each other, if we don’t talk to each other, then we can never understand each other’s feelings, and nothing will change as far as others are concerned. The human species is a talking animal, as the philosophers argue, and I have to say that I agree. So, let’s try to have a proper conversation, the two of us. I have just been too busy these last two months to have a relaxed conversation with you. Not a moment to spare, so please forgive me, and you for your part have been avoiding every opportunity to talk with me. Whenever I go into a room and you’re there, you instantly vanish from the room. Can you imagine how sad that makes me? There are things I want to ask you. Do you hate me so much? I am your father now. Would you scorn your father? Would you hate him so? Answer me clearly. Just one word will do. Speak to me.

HAMLET   ‘A little more than kin, and less than kind.’ 

KING   What was that? Couldn’t hear what you said. This is no joking matter. I’m asking you seriously. Don’t play word games with me. Life is not a play.

HAMLET     I ought to be speaking clearly with you, uncle! You are a good uncle, after all.

KING   Are you saying that I am a bad father?

HAMLET     You cannot disguise your true feelings, can you.

KING     Thank you. You have spoken well. I wish you could always speak as openly as that. I’ll never get angry if you speak the truth. Indeed, I harbour only natural feelings for you. But won’t you brighten up a bit, and stop acting so suspiciously toward me. There’s no need to act so big. Everyone’s like this when they’re young, but while you scare the living daylights out of others with your big words, you fly into a terrible fuss if anyone utters a single word against you. You hate it when others tell you what to do, and when you’re outspoken to others, you have no such thought for the pain you’re causing.

HAMLET   That’s … ridiculous. You’ve really got me there. I never recall being outspoken.

KING   That’s why I’m saying it’s not only you. It’s the same for all of us, all the time. We all have to do the best we can do. It’s no different from how weak and inadequate we must sometimes seem to you young people, and it’s really the same with you. A day lived without incident merits a prayer of thanks to God. Yet I am a man born of the same royal lineage as your very self. As you know, the house of Hamlet has an indecisive streak, a weak temperament. The old king, myself too, we were both crybabies when we were little. When one of the foreign ambassadors saw the two of us playing in the garden, he mistook us for girls. We were both weaklings. The court physicians doubted we would grow up to be adults, but the old king was taken proper care of, and became the wise and wonderful king we remember. If I were able to change my destiny by my own will, I would now believe it. The old king is a model example. I’m doing my best as it is. I wish to become a strong pillar for the sake of our Denmark, whatever it takes. I’ll truly do the best I can. But you know what’s bothering me the most right now, Hamlet, as I’m sure you realize, is you. You said yourself just now that you can’t beat your instincts, and I agree that you’re not my real son. Let’s try to be frank about this. You are a lovely nephew, and I have come to recognize you as the bright young man you are. When the old king was still with us you became attached to your old goat of an uncle. Who other than my dear nephew to be the first to recognize that his uncle looked like an old goat? Your uncle was delighted to be the goat. I remember those times with affection. We were like father and son, even though our hearts were leagues apart. The love that we once had has turned sour. It is our closeness as father and son that is at the root of our unhappiness. We can’t carry on like this. Hamlet, I have a request to make of you. Don’t be so honest. Even if it’s just in front of me, couldn’t you be less candid about your feelings? Couldn’t we pretend to get along? It’s not nice. It hurts, but there’s no other way around it. When the royal family comes apart, the trust of the subjects is lost, the hearts of the people darkened, so that finally we become the scorn of other nations. As the queen just said, in my case my body is not my own. I have to forsake all personal feelings for Denmark, for the land of my fathers. This Denmark and the seas around it, and its people, will presently pass into your hands. We must cooperate. I’m not telling you to love me. I confessed to you that I embrace you as a father embraces his son, but I can’t force you to have feelings you don’t have. But just for the sake of appearances … that is the painful duty we both share. It is the way of heaven, which we are bound to follow. Submission to duty is not like the purity of love; I believe its reward is in heaven. Even if love begins with no more than simple gestures, often it will gradually simmer up into a true love.

HAMLET   Thank you. Even I understand what you’re on about. I am a nuisance. Just give me a bit more time. Uncle, I have just one request. Would you let me go to Wittenberg University again?

KING I   don’t mind in the least if you call me uncle when it’s just the two of us together, but when the queen and the court are in attendance, you must always call me ‘father’. It is highly embarrassing for me to have to upbraid you on these tedious matters, but such adherence to formalities may even affect the future of the nation. That is what I’ve been getting on to you about, as you put it.

HAMLET     OK, I understand. Thank you.

KING What is it with you, Hamlet? If I’m the slightest bit direct with you, you get irritated and come out with something flippant that misses the point of what I’ve just said.

HAMLET   No uncle, it’s you, the king, who is ignoring my request. I want to go to Wittenberg. That’s all.

KING   Really? I think you’re lying. That’s why I am pretending not to listen. Wanting to go back to university is not what you really want. That’s what you say you want but you’re just trying to obstruct me. Even I can see that. The arrogant wings of youth flutter without point or purpose. They want to get stuck. I have the animal instinct, but it’s a hard job connecting reason and the logic of righteousness with animal instinct. I can assert myself. If the old king were still alive, he would definitely refuse you. You despise your father, you hate him, you speak ill of him, you cause him trouble. But it’s your age. The resistance you feel is something physical. It’s not spiritual. I can see what will happen if you do go to Wittenberg. You’ll be welcomed by your university friends like a returning hero. It goes against family tradition, fighting with your cruel and obstinate stepfather, and returning to university again to find your freedom, where you drown in the toasts of your friends, who embrace you as the pure and virtuous prince. What is the nature of this strange emotion? I would call it a sentiment born of the body. It’s just like the way a dog will run around half mad on a patch of grass. It’s one of those youthful emotions that I do not entirely ignore. It’s a season of life granted by God. It is a sea of fire you have to cross, but one that sooner or later we all crawl out of. That’s all there is to it. You get mad, you burn up, and then before you know it you wake up. It is the highest way. I got out of it, and as you know, I’m hardly the most intelligent of human beings; in fact, I was pretty stupid, and even now I can’t say that I’m totally wide awake. It’s just that I don’t want you to fail. Have you given some thought as to exactly why your schoolmates applaud you so? It’s because you’re a breath of fresh air compared to your peers! You share each other’s adventures and wicked ways, until before you know it you’re all like a bunch of dirty, useless old men. This is something I’d like you to know from my own limited experience. For a long time I led a dissolute life at university. And what do I have left to prove it? Nothing. Only things I’d prefer to forget. Things I would be ashamed to repeat. Force of habit. Those bad habits took a long time shaking off. Even now they still give me trouble. Laertes is different, though. He wants to get on. People who want to get on don’t become decadent. You don’t have the urge to get on. You actually want to fail. You’ve already spent three years at university, which is quite enough. If you get going with your old school friends again, it might get too late to do anything about it. The dishonourable scars of youth can easily make you a laughing stock, but the stigma of being a 23-year old with no hopes can be difficult to erase. You need to be watching yourself. The students only want to tempt you into their wicked ways with their strong, irresponsible words. I know only too well. At the court I prevented you going to university for other reasons, and there certainly were important reasons, but more than that what worried me were those proud wings of yours. It was where you wanted to be off to in such a hurry that bothered me. What I said at court is something I’d like you to take good note of. I want you to stay by my side and learn real politics. Not just how to play the game, but like a father, not a foolish elder brother, I wanted to warn you against your adventures. I told you you couldn’t love me like a real father, but my sense of duty as a human being is something else. I want to help you. I want to tell you what I have learnt from my limited experience, and pray that you will turn out a splendid young man. I must never doubt that. You are the prince of Denmark, a most important personage. You need to show a lot more sense. You must think like Laertes. Laertes is your social inferior. He wants to go to France in order to cultivate a little lustre. That’s why the shrewd Polonius permitted it. But you don’t need to go wherever you will, as he does. Quit going to Wittenberg. This is not a request. It’s an order. I have a duty to train you to be a worthy king. If you stay in Elsinore, we’ll soon find you a beautiful princess, won’t we, Hamlet?

HAMLET   I have no intention of copying Laertes. I was only …

KING   OK, OK, I understand. You wanted to see your old university friends, and you were frightened of telling me. But there is absolutely no need for you to go to Wittenberg. I have asked Horatio to go.

HAMLET     Horatio?

KING   Good idea, don’t you think? He is your closest friend, after all. I hold the sincerity of his character in the highest esteem. He should have left by now.

HAMLET   Thank you.

KING   Let’s shake on it. If you talk things over, they’re nothing. Let’s be friends from now on, OK. I’m sorry, I’ve been a bit out of order, but please don’t think me the worse for it. That was the gun summoning us to the banquet. Everyone must be waiting. Let us go in together.

HAMLET   No, I want to think by myself for a little while. Please go ahead of me.

HAMLET   Alone at last. I hate it the way he preaches the same old things at me. He all of a sudden puts on this terrible fake face and starts spouting mysteries, but it’s all rubbish. He’s just making excuses for himself. He really is an old goat. He was always being told off by my father for his drunkenness. He was always trying to get me to go girl hunting with him outside the castle. One girl called him the ghost of a pig. ‘Goat’ is too good for him. No quality at all, no quality! I feel sorry for him. He hasn’t the qualifications. He’s not up to being a king. Don’t blame me if I find it funny. My uncle doesn’t seem to notice. He doesn’t want to know. He didn’t want to see that actually I don’t want to go to Wittenberg. He doesn’t notice these things. Set a thief to catch a thief. Oh, I want to see Horatio. Anyone would do. I want to see my old friends. There’re things I want to ask them. Things I need to ask them about! Summoning Horatio was a great idea of the old goat. Dissipated people like my uncle are good at coming up with strange ideas. Yet, I wonder how well I know this uncle of mine. Ah, I too have fallen. I have fallen. Since father died, my life has been in a complete mess. My mother has taken the side of the goat, and become quite a different person, and I’ve gone mad. I am a proud person. I shudder to think of the shameful things I have done. I am beyond the slander of others. I feel dirty. I get nervous meeting other people. I don’t know what to do, Horatio. My father is dead and my mother abducted, and all the old goat can ever do is preach grandly at me. I hate it. It’s so squalid. But there’s one thing that wrangles even more bitterly with me. In fact, it’s worse than anything, it’s so painful. Quite a few things have bugged me these two months, and got me confused. ‘When troubles come, they come not single spies but in battalions.’ One torment gives birth to another, one tragedy to another, sighs multiply. What I am thinking about is suicide. To escape this life. That’s all.

SCENE TWO

A Room in the Residence of Polonius.

LAERTES   Thank you for doing my packing. Well, I must get on. The boat is all set to sail. Oh, could you bring me the little philosophy dictionary. That’s the one book I mustn’t forget. The French ladies like philosophical talk. And spray the inside of my trunk with some of that perfume. I’m preparing myself to be a lofty gentleman. Good, so my luggage is ready, and I’m ready to go. Ophelia, remember what I told you about looking after father while I’m away. What are you looking so misty-eyed about? You’ve been looking so sleepy recently. You’re at a sleepy time of life, aren’t you? I can be found snoring in the early evening when something’s bugging me, just like you. But don’t spend all your time asleep. Write to your big brother in France once in a while.

OPHELIA   Your wish is my pleasure.

LAERTES   What did you say? Sounded very strange, and I don’t like it.

OPHELIA   But it’s what Dr Tsubouchi … 

LAERTES   Oh, really. Well, Dr Tsubouchi is a university man, who’s inclined to talk a bit posh. Sumaitobashi omoute? Ugh, gives me the creeps. Well, it’s not only Tsubouchi’s fault. You too’ve got a bit irritable of late. Take care. You can ask your big brother anything. Don’t use such bright red lipstick. It makes you look like a tart. It’s unclean. Makes you look like a seductress.

OPHELIA   I’m sorry.

LAERTES   Now, don’t be a crybaby. You can tell me absolutely anything. You’ve been deliberately acting innocent. I ought to have given you enough hints up to now, but you haven’t taken anything in. You’re infatuated, so I guess it can’t be helped. I don’t want to be wasting my breath on such idle matters, if I can possibly help it, but I’m worried about what’s going to happen while I’m away, so I think it’s probably for the better if I get it over and done with. OK, forget about ‘him’, you know who I mean. It’s a silly thing. It’s obvious. You can see that if you think about who he is. As the representative of our late mother, I am utterly opposed. Father is an easygoing sort, who doesn’t seem to know anything about it yet, but if he were to know, what would happen then? Father has a most serious and responsible job. My own future is quite unclear. You will be reduced to penury if you end up having an illegitimate child. Do you understand? Tell him that from me that if he makes the sister of Laertes into a thing of nought, he will never be forgiven. Whatever his status, Laertes will be sworn to revenge. You tell him that.

OPHELIA   Brother, you shouldn’t say such things. He …

LAERTES   Don’t be a fool! I hate such idle chatter. It’s filthy. So, I’ll try to be more frank with you. What I’m objecting to has got nothing with the man’s status. The thing is I dislike the man. I hate him. That man is a nihilist. He’s debauched. I’ve known that ever since I was a little boy, when people encouraged me to play with him. He was very smart, and grown up. He would catch on immediately to anything you gave him. Archery, fencing, riding horses, acting, you name it; while these things were a mystery to me, he could do them all well, but all without the slightest real enthusiasm. Just as soon as he’d mastered something, he’d give it up. He could never stick with anything. I don’t like that kind of person. People who peep into the hearts of others quickly take a sad pleasure in what they learn. They don’t want to know you as a person. When the king and the queen tick him off about something, he breaks down into unrestrained tears before the whole court. He’s just like a woman. Ophelia, you don’t know anything, but I do. That person is completely unreliable. There are more men in Denmark than there are leaves on the trees of the forest. Your brother is the strongest among all of them, the gentlest and most sincere, the fairest of face, and he’s looking out for you. Believe me, your brother. Haven’t you always believed what your brother said? Has your brother ever once deceived you? Isn’t that right? I know you understand. I’m asking you this, but you won’t see him from today, will you? And if he continues to give you hassle, just tell him from me that Laertes is so angry his life isn’t worth living. Being the coward he is, he’ll be sure to turn pale and quake with fear. Understood? If by chance something should happen, if some shameful indiscretion should be committed while I’m away, I can promise that your brother will come straight away and put an end to it. You know that no one’s more terrifying when he gets angry than your big brother. So, let’s put on a smiley face. Your brother really trusts you.

OPHELIA   Farewell. Look after yourself.

LAERTES   Thank you. I’m trusting you to take care of yourself too. I’m concerned about you. Swear it before God and your elder brother. I worry about you.

OPHELIA   Brother, you still have your doubts.

LAERTES   No, it’s not that, but, OK, you’ll be alright, won’t you. Take it easy, won’t you. I don’t want to be banging on about it, but I believe as your brother, it would be a great disgrace.

POLONIUS What, you’re still here. I just came to take my leave. Thought you had departed some time ago, and depart you must. No, wait. Since you are about to go, I will give you a little pep talk.

LAERTES   You’ve already given it to me three, no four times.

POLONIUS   It won’t hurt to do it again. Even ten times would be insufficient. OK. Now the first point is not to neglect your grades. If you have fifty friends at the university, then about fortieth in ranking among them is best. Even if this means you make mistakes, don’t think of trying to be first. As a child of Polonius, you shouldn’t be too clever. Know your limits and reconcile yourself to them; be a humble learner. This is the first point. The next is not to fail the course. A little cunning is all very well, but the one really important thing is not to fail. If you fail, you will never forget it for the rest of your life. People forget the cunning they showed in the past, but you don’t forget failure, and when you get older and succeed to important positions, people will raise their eyebrows and pull up their sleeves and laugh behind your back. Schools were originally meant for people not to fail. It is invariably the students who fail as a consequence of applying to do things which they want to do but cannot, wanting to get their own way. It is mere sentiment, rebelling against their teachers. It’s showing off. Their unformed sense of justice. All the more incredible that some students make their parents weep by thinking it’s honourable to fail, but they’ll regret it when they get older and want to get on in the world. There are those who believe that cheating is the greatest dishonour, failure heroism, but notice that when they go out into the world such is not in fact the case. Cheating is no great dishonour. Flunking exams leads to greater defeats in life. After you leave school, just try chatting with your school friends about your schooldays. Most of them will have cheated. When you confess your misdemeanours to each other, you’ll have a jolly good laugh, and that will be it. Done and gone with. But failure is different. If you confess to failure, people won’t laugh so sympathetically. You’ll get dirty looks. Failure is a real stumbling block, the primrose path to slavery. You’re quite mistaken if you think it no longer matters when you stop being a student. Take very good care; use all your wits lest you fail. You are a child of Polonius, aren’t you. The next thing, your friends. This too is a matter of great import. You should definitely have at least one friend from the year above you: so as to find out how to do the examination. Get him to tell you how the examiners mark the things. You should also make friends with one person from the same year who is brilliant. Get him to lend you his notes, and try to sit next to him in the exam. For friends at the university, just those two are enough. Surplus friends means surplus expenses, which brings me on to my next item, money. This you must take extra special care with. Neither a borrower nor a lender be. Borrowing is at heart an obscene activity, and lending is not on. Do not borrow money, even if you’re on the verge of starvation. People should not starve to death in the normal course of affairs. Men and women of the world, even if they forget that their daughter is married, they never forget when they have lent money to someone. Even if the ryo you lent is to be repaid as ten ryo, you never forget the single ryo you started with. This is one of those things that can hold you back forever. Men with high hopes for themselves should never borrow, nor lend money. The man who has borrowed money from you will inevitably slander you. Because he feels small on your account, you can bet that at some point or other he’ll start gossiping about you. In other words, it can only lead to discord. Given the regrettable harm that it brings to mutual friendships, you must just simply say that you will not lend. Unless you're the type who can easily refuse a request for a loan, you’ll always struggle to make a success of your life. You understand? Just mind how you take care of your money. No borrowing, and no lending. The next thing. Take moderation in your drinking, and above all never drink alone. Drinking alone brings on hallucinations. It is the fuel of depression. Drinking bouts are no way to develop a lively spirit. Once a week, and with your friends. And it’s bad form to invite them drinking yourself. The clever thing is to let them do the inviting, and even then to accept with reluctance. You will be an impetuous fool to respond with alacrity. The way of the bottle is not an easy one. Drinking yourself into a stupor and puking it all up are absolutely not on. No one likes that kind of behavior. Yelling out in a loud voice and picking quarrels with all and sundry will hardly endear you to others, and in fact has no positive merits at all. If possible, sit at the lowest seat, listen assiduously to the arguments going on around you, nodding gravely. The tricky moment is when you’ve finally had enough to drink. When that time comes, stand up suddenly, and in a croaky voice sing the university song. When you finish singing, smile genially, like you want another drink. If your friends are too persistent in their arguments, give them a quick look and then pausing quietly, say that you too are a lonely man. That’ll keep them quiet! But where possible, the best advice is to fend off all comers with laughter. If the party seems to be getting out of hand, then without a moment’s hesitation get up quietly and return to your lodging. Whatever their good intentions, men who always lack the will to drag themselves away from the party have no hope of getting on in the world. When you’re on your way out, don’t forget to pay your fair share of the bill to whichever of your friends is in charge. If he asks for three ryo, give him five. If it’s five, give him ten without thinking, you’ll be a popular guy. If you don’t cause others problems, they won’t give you hassle, and your reputation will naturally grow. And there’s one other point you should remember with regard to drinking, which is that you should always make reservations when you go to a drinking place. There are bound to be problems if you don’t take good care of this. Drinking stimulates the mind, makes you think big. It gives you power, a power exceeding your natural abilities, you make unwise decisions, things you would be embarrassed to remember when you wake up the next morning. The first step towards destruction. You mustn’t break your promises. The next thing, women, another of those inevitable facts of life. Just take care not to get carried away. You are the child of Polonius, and like your father do not have the character to become infatuated with women. You should not forget that you have been a terrible snorer ever since you were little. A snorer like you will definitely marry any woman apart from the maids. When you find yourself tempted by a woman, just remember what a snorer you are. OK? And if the French girls don’t like you, there’ll be a pretty girl waiting for you in Denmark. Just leave that to your father. Better not to get too infatuated when you’re in France. Playing with girls when you’re young doesn’t mean buying the girl, it means showing yourself off. Look on infatuation as your greatest enemy. Now, the next thing …

LAERTES   Gambling. Lose five ryo and you can return home smiling. Making a profit is what you should avoid.

POLONIUS   And the next …

LAERTES   What to wear. Wear a good shirt and a good coat that’s not too flashy.

POLONIUS   And the next …

LAERTES   Not to forget to bring a little present for the landlady, and not to be too familiar with her.

POLONIUS   The next.

LAERTES   Keep a diary. Buy hard bread. Cut your nose hair. Ah, the boat’s about to go. Father, take care of yourself. I’ll write at leisure when I arrive. Farewell, Ophelia. Don’t forget what your brother told you.

POLONIUS   Now, he’s gone. Such a lively youth. Well, that’s enough said for now. I forget to say anything about sending money, and also the need for having a good walk. Well, I’ll write about that to him later. Ophelia, my dear, you look pale. Did your brother tell you anything out of place? I understand. He’s been pestering you for pocket money, hasn’t he? You don’t get enough from your father, so he’s been bullying you into sending him a little on the sly each month. No doubt about it. Naughty boy.

OPHELIA   No, that’s not it, father. My brother wouldn’t do a thing like that. Really, it’s alright, you shouldn’t bother yourself with trivial matters. My brother can take care of himself.

POLONIUS   Well, that’s as it should be. If you can’t take care of yourself by the time you’re 23, what hope is there for you? He may be the same age as Hamlet, but Laertes is three times the adult that Hamlet is. Laertes is becoming a greater man than his father. But it was my idea to spell things out in such detail, having thought about them at length. That boy never stops talking, and the notion that I have this talkative son gives me a rival in the business of life. I worry a lot about his future, but if I can get him to realize that I have you with me then I am satisfied. I gave him various bits of fussy advice, but really they’re all useless. Things’ll turn out for the good. Laertes has his own way of doing things. The times are changing too. Laertes should feel free to do things his own way. That’s just one thing, though, that’s been on my mind, and which I feel you could never know. And as far as I remember, it never fails. It’s something that used to concern your late mother and I together, and which we wanted our son to know. When it comes to his mind, and in so far as it will come to his mind ... oh, I’m just repeating myself like an old man. I too am not getting any younger. Ophelia, come sit here, next to your father. You will listen to a little more of what your foolish old father has to say. You look more and more like your mother these days. Indeed, I feel as if I am speaking to your mother. Your mother would be so pleased to see you now. Laertes has grown into a healthy lad, and you too are gentle and mild; you take good care of me. I hear that your good reputation has spread well beyond the castle walls. People find it outrageous that I should have produced two such fine-looking children; that’s what people are saying apparently. Your father should be so happy for you. Your father should have nothing to bother about. Now listen, Ophelia, there have been some times of late when – how can I put it? – well, I’ve been feeling lonely. Your father will be dead before long, you know. Now it’s nothing to be shocked about. I’m not suggesting I’m going to kill myself. I’m not joking if I say that I would like to live to 100, 109 even, if I can. I wish to die only when I can claim the satisfaction of praising my son for his great success. I have such deep desires. But my prayers are quite in earnest. I have nothing else to live for now, only the two of you. You must both of you know how painful it is to live without a mother. I will do anything for my children, however hard. That’s what I’m thinking. Man must face his final office alone. Take Laertes. He will do all he can to win the praise of others, but really it’s all flattery. I am the only person whose praise for him will be sincere. The sooner you win people’s praise, the sooner you will be satisfied. I alone will remain the hardest to satisfy. I will be your staunchest defender, and in the end you will earn my praise. In other words, I will be your final judge, and I will praise you in all your parts. I will praise you with such a voice as will reach the heavens, and as far as I’m concerned you’ve done fine up to now. I shall thank God for the life you have been living. I have done what I can to ensure that I will live to 109, OK 108 will do, so that I can praise you to the end. It’s just too ridiculous for words, isn’t it. Saving up a few choice words of praise causes me just as much frustration as when I want to get angry. I hate it. If it weren’t that I were your father, it is not a responsibility I would assume. I’m just a sentimental old papa, with a papa’s love for his children. I’m only doing this for the sake of Laertes, and now, I guess, I’m lonely, and you know, there are still some things I need to say to you. I was speaking my mind just now to Lertes, but after I had finished speaking, I suddenly felt lonely. What I mean is that I had this vague realization that education is not the diplomatic game I had once thought it was. Children soon find out the tricks their parents play. Realising that, it’s a big step for me to take. Laertes is a strong young man, but he is a man, and there are still a few lessons he has to learn. There are some areas where a little of his father’s ingenious diplomacy can serve to point him in the right direction. And they’re all for his good. I know what I’m doing. Some occasional diplomacy on my part can only serve to make him succeed all the more. Laertes no doubt felt oppressed by my stentorian words of advice, but I’m sure he knows it was because I care for him, and has set off on his journey with a new sense of destiny. But Ophelia, come a bit closer, won’t you. Can you remember what it is I wanted to say to you?

OPHELIA   You were scolding me.

POLONIUS     Is that so? Well, you’ve been frightening me, terrifying me in fact, recently. My diplomacy doesn’t seem to work on you. You see through me straight away. Yet, it wasn’t always so, Ophelia. I have been talking only of you. I’ve really been worried about you. Don’t be angry with me. I’d much rather you explain why you can’t be more frank with me. It makes me lonely when you can’t speak openly with me. I’m not so worried about Laertes. When I bellow at him, he will always fall into line. But I haven’t been able to scold you, Ophelia, recently. I can’t raise my voice at you to get you to do things. That’s why I get lonely sometimes. That’s why I can’t bear to live to 109. That’s why I’ve realized that education is not diplomacy. That’s why the role of supreme flatterer seems so ridiculous to me. And I guess you’re the reason why I feel like dying sometimes, Ophelia. Ophelia, there’s nothing to cry about. You can tell your father whatever’s troubling you. I’ve been waiting from moment to moment for you to speak. Blurting out meaningless complaints is your way of speaking without restraint, and I’m not going to pull the wool over your eyes. Forgive me. Your father shouldn’t be so cunning. I’m not setting any traps to force you to trust me. What are you standing for? You don’t have to run away. Sit down. I have something to say. Your brother got pretty angry with you just now. It was to do with sending money, wasn’t it?

OPHELIA   It’s terrible, father. He desires so much.

POLONIUS     I got it. You’ve been stupid, Ophelia! Laertes was quite right to get angry. I had some unwelcome advice from a servant this morning, not what I wanted to hear at all. He happened to remind me of how depressed you have been looking recently. I wanted to believe the opposite, and to inquire of you gently so I didn’t hurt your feelings. I meant to approach you in the gentlest manner possible, but you remain stubbornly silent, and seem bent even from running away from me. Yet I always understand. These changes in your character reflect your cowardice. It hasn’t the slightest to do with innocence. You’re screwed up. Why do you have to be so secretive? Consider the viewpoint of others. Wear your mourning weeds as you will, forget your wickedness, and tell the king and queen what it is you want. That’s how young people behave these days. They just do whatever they like. No doubt we all have our differences of status but the way the youth of today carry on compared with the past is too much. Why don’t you confide in me innocently? Claudius is no fool, you know. I made mistakes too when I was young, and I didn’t make those mistakes just to be bad. But it’s already late. Criticizing you like this makes me feel quite queasy. It’s no good. You’re fools, the lot of you. Crying’s no good. I’m surprised at you. So, I suppose Laertes knows everything.

OPHELIA   My brother said he would die if that happened.

POLONIUS   So, that’s what’s on his mind. I won’t say anything to him about it. If it gets any worse, that’ll be the end of it. I don’t like this at all, and I don’t like the girls of today. Well Ophelia, you’ll never be queen now.

SCENE THREE

The Castle Ramparts

HAMLET   It was just a moment ago. Came right into view. It was good you came. So how was Wittenberg? How did they treat you? Same as usual, I suppose.

HORATIO   Oh, it’s cold here, isn’t it. Smell of the seashore. Blown right up here by the wind, can’t stand it. Is it as cold as this every evening?

HAMLET   No, tonight’s quite warm by comparison. It was cold at one o’clock, but it’ll gradually be getting warmer now. It’ll soon be spring in Denmark. By the way, how is everyone?

HORATIO   Don’t worry about us. You’re the prince. How are you doing?

HAMLET   That’s a strange way of talking. They’ve been putting out nasty rumours about me, haven’t they? It’s because I was such a loud mouth in Wittenberg. You’re a strange one, Horatio. You’re kind of remote.

HORATIO   No, I’m certainly not a strange guy. But really my lord, are you alright? God, it’s cold.

HAMLET   ‘My lord!’ You shouldn’t call me that. Just call me Hamlet like you used to. You make me feel I’m completely someone else. Anyway, what on earth did you come to Elsinore for?

HORATIO   I’m sorry. You haven’t changed, Hamlet. Just as short-tempered as before, but in surprisingly good spirits. You seem alright.

HAMLET   I hate it when you talk like that. There have definitely been nasty rumours about me. Or am I wrong? So what’ve they been saying? I suppose uncle’s been telling you some pretty rich gossip. He doesn’t know the least thing about me, and he tells such lies.

HORATIO   No, the king’s letter was a warm one. It was a polite and serious request to come and provide you with some company, as you were bored. It was a kind letter.

HAMLET   Tell me another. I bet that’s not all the letter said. I always thought you were not a liar.

HORATIO   Hamlet, I’ve always been your closest friend. I don’t waste my words, so I shall tell you everything I heard in Wittenberg as I heard it. But it’s cold here. Let’s go back inside. Why did I drag myself out here? You look me in the face, don’t say a word, take me here to this cold, pitch black place, and when you say it’ll only be a moment, I start to have my doubts.

HAMLET   What do you doubt? Oh, I think I know. And I surprised you.

HORATIO   Did you get it? Anyway, let’s go to your room. I didn’t bring my jacket.

HAMLET   No, let’s talk here. There are a lot of things I have to ask you. Masses, actually. Things I could never ask anyone else. We’re safe here. It may be cold, but we can stick it. When people have secrets to keep, you really want to find out what they’re up to. I too have been having my suspicions recently.

HORATIO   I appreciate that, and I appreciate what a hard time you’ve been having. I myself had the pleasure of meeting the late king on two or three occasions.

HAMLET   I can’t say I did. I was boiling over with grief. Couldn’t you first tell me what you’ve been hearing in Wittenberg? If you’re cold, I’ll give you my coat to wear. When you spend so long studying in a civilized country, you’re bound to develop sensitive skin.

HORATIO   Forgive me, I forgot my jacket, but I’d be most grateful if I could borrow your coat. Now, that’s better. I feel a lot warmer. Thank you so much.

HAMLET   Stop beating about the bush. It seems you have brought your sensitivity to the cold with you.

HORATIO   It’s terribly cold, but you must forgive me, Hamlet. Now, let me begin. You know, I’ve got a sense there’s someone standing in the darkness out there.

HAMLET   What are you saying? That’s a willow tree, isn’t it, and glistening dimly beneath it is a stream. Narrow but quite deep. It was quite frozen over until recently, but the ice has melted and it’s flowing again. You’re a bigger coward than I am. All that time you spent studying in a civilized country.

HORATIO   It does seem I’ve develop refined sensibilities. So, no one’s listening then. It doesn’t matter what important things pass between us.

HAMLET   That sounds terribly dignified. I was absolutely sure we’d be safe here, so that’s why I dragged you here.

HORATIO   So, I’ll begin, and don’t be shocked, Hamlet. Your university friends have been telling lies about how mad you are.

HAMLET   Mad? I don’t follow. I know I can be quite risqué, but that’s absurd. If you’d seen them, you’d realize that. But I wonder where that rumour started. I know. It was my uncle, wasn’t it?

HORATIO   Still on about your uncle. Why would the king bother himself with such tedious lies? You couldn’t be further from the truth.

HAMLET   Well, I flatly refute the rumours. The silly old goat thinks he’s such a romanticist. When he tries to be a father to me, my heart feels like it’s a million miles from him, and I start to hate him. He’s a pathetic, cynical person, and now he’s suddenly of the persuasion that I’ve gone mad with grief at the death of my old father, the king. And the person who’s so bravely shouldering the misfortunes of the family is the new king, Claudius. It would make a great play: my uncle’s propaganda. My uncle wants to make himself popular by doing all he can to get himself into my good books. He’s been treating me like an idiot of late. Giving me all kinds of hassle. It’s pathetic when you think about it. But what am I supposed to do when he tells everyone I’m mad. He’s terrible, my uncle, a bad man.

HORATIO   I’ll say it again, but this is not the king’s doing, my lord Hamlet. I do sympathize, but you know nothing, don’t you? The rumours at the university are not so simple. Well, I can say no more.

HAMLET   What’s this? Putting on such a terribly serious voice. You’ve been put up to do this by my uncle, haven’t you? You’re trying to get me to reflect on my behaviour, or something like that, aren’t you?

HORATIO   I will tell you one more time. The only thing that was written in that letter was to come and talk with you. I believe that the king, not even in his dreams, has entertained such terrible rumours with regard to your position.

HAMLET   Really, well perhaps you’re right. If my uncle had been spreading such rumours, it would have been dangerous to summon you to me. If you had come, there would have been hell to pay. If it’s not my uncle, I wonder who it can be. I’ve no idea. In any case, the idea that I’ve gone mad is a horrendous one. Although, in my present condition, if I seem a little crazier and happier, I still have plenty to worry about. Let’s talk more on this later. Horatio, is that the only rumour? I can’t believe there’s nothing else. Go ahead and tell me. I don’t mind.

HORATIO   Must I put it in simple words?

HAMLET   Stop it. You brought the matter up, and now you’re trying to wriggle out of it. Wittenberg … those affected rumours floating around the place make me want to groan.

HORATIO   So I’ll tell you. If you are going to make light of my sincerity in that way, I will tell you. Truly, I beg you to listen calmly and attentively. They are tedious, harmless rumours. Horatio has never believed in these impudent rumours.

HAMLET   Get on with it. I’m losing my temper. I could have guessed from your officious way of talking.

HORATIO   Well, the rumour is that there has been a ghost at Elsinore Castle.

HAMLET   Ugh, I can’t believe it. You can’t be real, Horatio! I want to fall off my chair. It’s too absurd for words. Wittenberg University has fallen. Where has its independent scientific spirit gone? Theatre studies have been on the rise at the university; it was probably the least intelligent of the students who devised such a pathetic drama. You need a pretty impoverished imagination to make up a ghost story. Well, standards must have been falling at the university if they get all excited about a story like that. First Hamlet’s mad, now a ghost. It’s like some dreadful melodrama. Uncle told me to quit school as it was boring, it’s true. My uncle’s the smart guy. He must be pretty angry to have to start a story about a ghost associating with such a third-rate guy like me. I wonder what he’ll think of next.

HORATIO   I don’t believe it either, but don’t talk ill of your alma mater. It’s just not nice.

HAMLET   It’s rude. But you’re different. You’re the only one of my friends uncle has admired. Says you’re sincere. Said if I didn’t go to Wittenberg, it would be fine to summon you here. I really didn’t want to go to university, although I did want to see you.

HORATIO   I beseech your trust, even if I seem to contradict you; these strange lies do not emanate from our beloved Wittenberg University. I only say so to defend the honour of our alma mater. These rumours come from here within Elsinore Castle, spreading gradually throughout the kingdom of Denmark, so that finally they come to be heard even in a foreign university. They are shameful, unspeakable lies, which is why I cannot be depressed about them. My lord Hamlet, didn’t you even have an inkling before today?

HAMLET   I don’t know. It’s such a ridiculous business, but for all that it seems to have got quite out of hand. If it hadn’t done so, I wouldn’t need to be laughing about it so much. I guess my uncle and Polonius know about it. I wonder where their spies are hiding. I wonder if they pretend not to hear when they can hear. They’re idiots. But Horatio, what kind of ghost is it anyway? You’ve intrigued me.

HORATIO   Before I tell you, there’s something I would like to ask honestly of you. Do you mind?

HAMLET   You scare me, Horatio, but whatever … be done with it. If you’re too aloof, I’ll stop want to being your friend.

HORATIO   I will tell you, and when I’ve told you, it will probably seem like nothing at all. Certainly, you became quite a laughing stock, and that’s all. Makes me smile to think about it. But there’s something I’d like to check with you. Do you trust the good character of our present king?

HAMLET   That’s a strange question, and rather a tricky one. It’s difficult to know what to say. Do I have to answer?

HORATIO   Yes you must, and until you do so, I can speak no further.

HAMLET   That’s tough. You’ve changed, haven’t you? You’ve got ridiculously stubborn. You weren’t like this originally. Well, OK then. I’ll give you my answer. But why are you asking me these things? My uncle has his careless side but he’s not such a bad man. But if you ask me whether I trust him, I too am a bit confused. Have there been any bad rumours about uncle? People say all kinds of things but this one was a bit tasteless. Of course it wasn’t uncle alone who spun it that way. You couldn’t do that kind of thing. It was fixed at a meeting of the court led by Polonius. I’m not going to be king for a little time yet. Right now, Denmark seems to be in difficult times. We don’t know when war will break out with Norway. People don’t have any confidence in me. Since my uncle became king, I’ve started to relax more. It’s true. I’ve just been having my fun with you all. It means nothing. You were always the friend of my uncle’s nephew, right. My bosom pal. So, I’m going to be selfish with that old uncle of mine. Something to ruffle his feathers. Something disdainful. Deliberate sulks, evading his questions from time to time, the works. But that’s between my uncle and myself. I’m probably taking advantage of him. But I think even my uncle will understand, because of course I depend on my uncle for some things. He’s a good uncle, gives in easily, and no great shakes as a politician. If we go back to the beginning, I’d be surprised if my uncle were disappointed. It seems he’s trying various things that are not in his nature. It’s pitiful. He wants me to call him father, but I can’t. Mother too has done something I find distasteful. Everyone says it’s the best thing to secure the foundations of the royal house of Hamlet but I wonder what my mother could have been thinking. That couple, they’re both getting on, and it’s like they got married just so they could have someone to gossip with. To be honest, they embarrass me. Actually, I’m trying not to think about these things too deeply. There’s nothing I can do. As his child, it would be unforgivably immoral to poke my nose into his affairs. People of that depth of depravity cannot make friends with other human beings. Isn’t that right? I was terribly lonely before but now I’m trying not to think about it. The world doesn’t move according to my personal mixed-up feelings of love and hate, so there’s no choice but to let them take care of their own business. What do you think? Show a little tolerance, as I have done. It’s pretty complicated, but my uncle’s not a bad person. That at least is for certain. He’s probably a bit of a schemer, but definitely not a real crook. What can we do?

HORATIO   Thank you, Hamlet. I feel completely at ease after what you say. I urge you not to lose your trust in the king. As for myself, I admire the present king. He is a man of culture. A person of warm feelings. The opinion you have expressed encourages me a hundredfold. I humbly thank you. Hamlet, you are so much more cheerful than you used to me. In my naïve judgment, the clouds have lifted. I feel a lot better now.

HAMLET   You mustn’t flatter me. I have a quick temper. You’re a one, aren’t you, Horatio, still the same scatterbrain you always were. So, what’s the dirt? I’m distracted, a ghost appears, and then what happend? You could only see it for a short time, right.

HORATIO   On the contrary. I feel quite stupid just standing there. Unspeakable, outrageous. The shame of Denmark. We must talk about it, Hamlet. It is really beyond the acceptable, totally bizarre and obscene!

HAMLET   That’s enough. All those ineffectual adjectives irritate me. You belonged to the drama club at Wittenberg, didn’t you?

HORATIO   If you can call it that. I wanted to have a go at playing a poet in some depressed country, but honestly, I had already found my peace. I had already observed your clear-cut way of seeing things, and found a space in my heart for pleasing myself. Hamlet, you mustn’t laugh. Really, it’s an absurd lie. You will surely laugh. This has spread throughout Denmark, come to our ears even in a foreign university, only it’s not something that merits laughter. We need to control ourselves. We have a real need to control ourselves. You mustn’t laugh. I feel a complete idiot as well speaking like this. The ghost of the old king appears each night, apparently demanding revenge. Hamlet, you’re the one he wants to carry out his revenge.

HAMLET   Me? That’s weird.

HORATIO   It certainly is, and what’s so absurd is that it’s still carrying on. What this ghost claims is that he was killed by Claudius, and that Claudius then got into bed with his wife, the queen your mother.

HAMLET   Terrible. To think my mother … She must be mental.

HORATIO   I said it was no laughing matter, didn’t I. Anyway, listen. The story doesn’t stop there. Apparently, he colluded with the queen to take the throne by creeping upon the king during his midday nap and pouring deadly poison into his ear. Are you paying attention? Hamlet, if you bear any love for your old father, you will surely never tolerate this evil deed.

HAMLET   Supposing there is a ghost, no one would be able to imitate my father’s voice. Treat the dead with the greatest respect. Even a little joke may be too much.

HORATIO   I’m sorry. I got carried away. One should never forget the virtues of the late king. I was talking like an idiot and got quite out of order. I do apologize. I didn’t mean to, Hamlet, but I’m afraid I touched a raw nerve. I’m a careless idiot.

HAMLET   No matter. I’m sorry for raising my voice and shouting. It was selfish of me. Don’t worry about it. Anyway, what happened with this ghost? Tell me about it. Pretty freaky, what?

HORATIO   Yes, if I said that that ghost stood by your pillow every evening, you would be driven to distraction by fear and suspicion and anguish, but it’s a completely groundless story.

HAMLET   Possible, though.

HORATIO   What is?

HAMLET   It’s possible, that’s what happened. I mean, Horatio, I have been feeling bad, and there have been these terrible rumours.

HORATIO   Oh, I knew I should have kept quiet.

HAMLET   No, you say everything you have to say. I am the loving son, after all. But Horatio, are the rumours true? I’ve always been the credulous type.

HORATIO   What are you saying? It’s all pretty perverse. It’s nothing more than a vulgar rumour with no basis at all.

HAMLET   I don’t understand you, I’m sorry to say, but I just can’t make sense of you. Is it some base and empty rumour, or is it a rumour of real substance? Which is it? Think it over. I need to get to the bottom of this. The house of Hamlet, my father, my uncle, myself. I speak for the whole of Denmark when I say that we cannot bear to be ridiculed by the people on the basis of some meaningless rumour. But it must have come from somewhere. There must be some truth to it. It must be within the realms of possibility. If there is some basis to the matter, I will be able to take a more relaxed view. What I won’t be able to stand is if it is just some reprehensible and scurrilous rumour. If that is so, the house of Hamlet will become the scorn of the people. It’s appalling, too awful for words. I’m going straight to my uncle. I won’t be satisfied until I get to the bottom of this. Horatio, will you help me?

HORATIO   That is my duty, but will you entrust me with the responsibility? Forgive me, Hamlet, for saying this but you’ve got a grudge. I can only imagine that you have a grudge. Wasn’t your laughter just now a bitter laughter? From the very beginning, this rumour has been a contemptible lie. If you have to disturb the king’s peace that can’t be helped. You won’t be doing much harm. I put my trust in the clear interpretation of events you have given. Have you so soon forgotten? You’ve said you trusted the king, right. You’re not denying that, are you?

HAMLET   There are degrees. Even in matters of contempt, there are degrees. Could I suppose that my own father would say such nasty and ignorant things. It’s all so stupid. And it drives me crazy as well. I’d be pleased. I was sulking, Horatio, and I will continue to do so. It’s you who doesn’t understand.

HORATIO   There’s something I’d like to ask you about later. I’ve made a terrible blunder. I didn’t expect you to get this upset. Hamlet, you’re still the same as you always were.

HAMLET   Yes, that’s true, just as fickle and changeable as ever I was. I’m pretty much all over the place. I lack discipline. I’m not so great a guy that I smile genially on my follies. Horatio, give me back my coat. I’m cold too as well now.

HORATIO   Here you are. Hamlet, tomorrow I wish to speak with you at leisure.

HAMLET   As you will. Horatio, are you angry? Ah, the sound of waves. Horatio, there are yet darker secrets which I should like to discuss with you, if you have the time. The rumours we’ve been talking about, and something else which has been bothering me.

HORATIO   Let’s meet tomorrow then when we’ve had time to calm down. Forgive me once more. I too need time to think. I don’t have a jacket.

HAMLET   Take your time. It’s too bad you are not one to believe in the purity of human excitability. Sleep well, Horatio. I’m just an unhappy little boy.

HORATIO   I understand. Horatio will always be your friend.

SCENE FOUR

The Queen’s Parlour

QUEEN   It was I who asked the king to summon you back from Wittenberg. I suppose you met Hamlet last night. How was he? He doesn’t seem so well. I wonder how he has suddenly become like this. He rambles along, and then when you think he’s about to lose his temper, he straightway bursts out laughing, or in front of a crowd of courtiers, he will weep openly like a little child, or he’ll babble nonsense, use strong language with his majesty. He was always a timid little boy, with a vulnerable side to his nature, but he didn’t use to behave as he is doing now. When the mood took him, he would make me laugh by coming up with the most extraordinary funny acts. It was so innocent. He was my special only child, and I tried to bring him up so that he would have everything he wanted. His father had been getting on when the boy was born, and also adored him, but it doesn’t seem to have done him any good. It seems that children born to elderly parents are somehow inferior. They say you shouldn’t spoil them so they’re always dependent on you. Hamlet loved his father, and even when he went to university, as soon as he got back to Elsinore for the holidays, he’d be in his father’s room from morning until night. When he was a child, he was even worse, and if his father was absent for even just a moment, he’d get upset, and make a nuisance of himself running around asking everyone where his father was. When his father suddenly succumbed to a fatal heart condition, he had no idea what to do. He could suddenly no longer stand out, and though it shames me to say so, and though it was done for the sake of Denmark, Hamlet looks on my marriage to Claudius as a major scandal; I believe it is the marriage which has so darkened his mood. When I think about it, I do feel some pity for the boy. He is not entirely unreasonable. But that boy is also Hamlet, prince of Denmark, and one day will have to take on the responsibility of being king. If he’s just going to cry and sulk because his parents have suffered a temporary separation, then the first thing that will happen is that he will fall in his subjects’ esteem. I think we’re at a crucial stage now. I may have married Claudius, but that’s not particularly the reason why I’ve come to the castle, and as he has up to now, Hamlet ought to live together with his real mother, and while the king may once have been like a stranger, he is now Hamlet’s beloved uncle, and if Hamlet could just make an effort to be nice to his uncle, everything would be much nicer and more peaceful. Claudius has to learn to restrain his frivolous behavior of old, as he now becomes every inch the king that his father was. He also worries a great deal about Hamlet. Bound as he is by ties of obligation, he naturally has certain constraints. I also feel uneasy when I’m with the two of them together. Hamlet has always treated his uncle like a fool. It just won’t do. Hamlet needs to learn a little manners: to treat his uncle like a brother. His uncle is no longer the old goat he once was. They say that Denmark is in a perilous situation. There’s even a rumour, I hear, that Norway is amassing its troops along our borders. What can one honestly expect at a time like this? If Hamlet were to show us a little affection, Elsinore would be at peace with itself, and the king would be strengthened in his resolve to sue for peace abroad. He is an idiot. He has no awareness that he is the prince of Denmark. He’s already 23, and he still clings to his parents like a little girl. Horatio, how old will you be this year?

HORATIO   I am 22, my lady.

QUEEN   So, Hamlet should be like an elder brother to you, but he’s exactly the opposite. He’s a year older than you, but you seem like you’re five years older than him. You seem in good physical condition, I understand your academic results are good, and above all, you are a relaxed person. Your parents are still going strong, aren’t they?

HORATIO   Thank you. They’re still living happy at their country mansion, thanks as ever to his majesty’s wise governance.

QUEEN   I do envy your mother for having such a splendid son as you. What pleasure you must give her! I feel I can never hope to be like your mother in the case of my Hamlet. Distracted by petty vexations, the tears, the bad moods.

HORATIO   If I may come back to you on that, Hamlet, I mean the prince, no Hamlet, is definitely not such a bad person as all that. He is the only person that I respect. I am an awkward, dull person, forever being upbraided by Hamlet. I am a big fan of your son, which is why I can never express myself properly when I stand in his presence. Hamlet is a very intelligent person who understands what I am trying to say when I am too embarrassed to say anything. He is a person of great depths.

QUEEN   My son is quite lacking in virtues. I understand your feelings towards him as a close friend but I cannot bring myself to praise what I see as weaknesses. From even when he was small, he was so quick to read the expressions on people’s faces, surely a sign of his natural timidity. Great men don’t need to read people’s faces.

HORATIO   I am sorry to differ once again, but I do think you’re being a little hard on your son. My own mother never once retired to her bedchamber before me. She would always stay up until I went to bed. And if I told her to go to bed before me, she would say that I didn’t belong to her alone, that she had been entrusted by the king to bring me up to be a fine subject, that it would be most improper to go to bed before me, and so she never would. For a child like myself with no saving graces, to be loved so sincerely in that way gave me the kind of firmness of purpose I have now. The queen is too critical of Hamlet. You will destroy his self-confidence. Isn’t that what you said yourself? Have you forgotten what you said about Hamlet being the prince of Denmark? He is the prince of Denmark, and he doesn’t belong entirely to you. He is the lord and master whom we will one day be bound to defend with our lives.

QUEEN   I really didn’t expect this from you. I appreciate your desire to be loyal to your friend, he is my child after all, but I cannot tolerate your impudent way of speaking. People often fail to understand the true feelings that exist between parents and children, and I don’t need your presumptuous meddling. Your mother seems to me a very nice mother, and while we may have our own different ways of doing things, what you have said amounts to unwanted interference. Parents and children are best left to themselves to sort out their business between themselves. The situation of royals and their subjects is also very different, so that to transgress from a momentary outburst to blatant impudence is not to be permitted. By the way, has Hamlet said anything to you?

HORATIO   Yes, all kinds of things.

QUEEN   You don’t have to freeze up all of a sudden. You were so lively a moment ago. You’re like my son. It’s natural for boys when they are reprimanded to answer straight as if nothing has happened. So, has Hamlet been slandering his mother and stepfather again?

HORATIO   My lady, I could not say so much.

QUEEN   What do you mean? It’s shameful for a man to show his fear. I can forgive anything, contradictions included, apart from impertinence as I have just said, so speak what you have to say like a man. What has Hamlet been saying about us?

HORATIO   He says that he is in sympathy with the king and queen.

QUEEN   In sympathy! Really! Are you covering up for him again? You’ve been sworn to silence, haven’t you?

HORATIO   Although I personally wish to contradict you, Hamlet wouldn’t be so cowardly as to muzzle me. If Hamlet can’t say something to your face, then he won’t say it at all, and if there is something he wants to say, he’ll give it to you straight. He was like that at university, and he still is now. That’s Hamlet all over.

QUEEN   This talk of Hamlet stirs you up, makes you raise your voice. I can see how compatible the two of you are. Hamlet is not someone to forget who he is and to be grudging with his favours, which means he’s popular with his inferiors.

HORATIO   My lady, I am in no position to answer what you’ve just said.

QUEEN   I wasn’t talking about you. You’re Hamlet’s best friend, aren’t you? It’s not only Hamlet but me too who is relying on you. It’s by asking what’s been going on between you and Hamlet that I can start to understand what’s on his mind. It is very much in Hamlet’s character to lose his cool at the slightest provocation. The young people of today are all a bit like that. I wish he didn’t have to put on such a gloomy face, and that he could talk with me more freely. You are the first person to demonstrate to me that people are not gossiping about Hamlet. I am pleased if that is the case. Perhaps there is some good in the boy after all.

HORATIO   That’s why I …

QUEEN   That’s enough. You’ve had your say, and I won’t permit any more of your impertinence. You shouldn’t get so easily excited. I am sure that Hamlet holds us all in his sympathy and admiration. No doubt he probably is a rather exceptional child.

HORATIO   Your majesty, you can be assured of my cooperation as well.

QUEEN   Be serious. People of your generation often make light of the old. Why should you feel sorry for me? Tell me straight. Is it because I take discomfort in making insinuations?

HORATIO   I have to tell you, your majesty, that you don’t understand anything of Hamlet’s real feelings. That is what Hamlet said to me last night. Being so young, I have felt deeply the disturbance I have caused yourself and the king. I have also said how I did not know how I could help the king when he ascended the throne. Hamlet does believe that the king loves him. Even if the king does call him selfish or a troublemaker, that is only to be expected between an uncle and his son. It has nothing really to do with them being such close relatives. You will probably think me indulgent, but what even Hamlet’s uncle may be able to understand is how I find it strange that he alone should take a jaundiced view of his nephew’s recent animosity toward him. I told him how I truly loved him, and felt like shedding tears of gratitude for him. I wish the nation long life with all my heart. Hamlet is a great prince. He would never doubt someone without good reason. His judgment is as warm as a breeze across a field of barley in springtime, and as rigorous. There is not an ounce of pretense about him. When he talks of the queen, I can assume he does so with the utmost trust and pride owing his mother. With regard to your recent marriage, he told me that as someone’s child any criticism of the marriage constituted the basest immorality, and that such people were quite incapable of forming new friends.

QUEEN   Who are you talking about? Who can’t form new friends? Can you explain yourself more clearly?

HORATIO   Yes, perhaps I should explain myself more clearly. What I mean to say is that anyone who is mean enough to imagine vile things of the marriage of the king and your royal highness is not worth living. My lord Hamlet is a man of integrity and clarity of convictions. Indeed, his principles run as clear as a mountain stream. Last night I learned numerous noble truths from my lord Hamlet. Hamlet is a paragon among his university friends.

QUEEN   The praise you heap upon my son makes me quite blush with shame. This person you esteem is not my son but another person that also bears the name of Hamlet. It is impossible for me to think of this man of fine words as being my son. Why do you have to paint him in this way? You don’t know my son’s character, I mean his weak points, as his mother does. That’s because they’re his mother’s weak points as well. Even I am not without my weaknesses. It’s a shame that I have passed on these human limitations to my son. I know that boy right down to the broken toenail on the little toe of his right foot. You can’t argue a way around me on the subject of my son. I would like you to be more open with me. You’re hiding something. If Hamlet is so responsive to things as you say, then I have nothing to worry about. But I can’t believe you. I do not think you are telling me a brazen lie. You are too artless and naïve to try to deceive me. I have long since thought, as you say, that my son certainly has a straightforward side to his nature. And last night he revealed that side to you. However, you are concealing other things besides. I am more than aware of how he is at the present, and yet I can’t fully accept your advice that my son’s mind is not wholly undisturbed. I cannot possibly accept that his concern for his family is nothing more than halfhearted. Don’t you think so, Horatio? Can you tell me the truth? It is my love as a mother that leads me to these suspicions. Your keen defence of my son gladdens my heart, and makes me wonder whether perhaps there aren’t any things to cause me concern. Hamlet is too fortunate to have such a good friend as yourself. Yet my concerns run deeper than that. Speaking for myself, I just wish he could open up directly to his mother if there is anything bothering him. Yet Hamlet is all deceit, twisting his words this way and that. I would like to be able to share whatever’s worrying him at present and help him sort it out without anyone ever even knowing about it. Do you understand? I’m a foolish old woman. I’ve just been saying some pretty spiteful things to you, but I would never say that I despise my own son. Such things are too easily said, embarrassing even to utter them, but the person I love most in the world is my son. Hamlet, yes. I love him too much. I can’t bear to watch him suffering alone. I have a request to make of you, Horatio. Would you be my guardian in this matter? What is bothering Hamlet? You should be in a position to know.

HORATIO   Your majesty, I’m sorry I don’t know.

QUEEN   You’re still …

HORATIO   No, I’m sorry, but the truth is I don’t know. Last night I actually made a terrible mistake. As your majesty says, Hamlet does have some particular worry on his mind, and it seemed he very much wanted to share it with me, but I didn’t have my jacket, and it was extremely cold, and so I wasn’t relaxed enough to be able to pursue the matter. I’m an idiot, of no use to anyone at all. Not just useless, but last night I did something that was morally wrong. Your majesty, it’s become ridiculous. All I’ve done since I got back from Wittenberg has been to cause trouble. Last night, I was groaning in agony on my bed. I couldn’t sleep a wink. The responsibility is entirely mine, and I will do whatever I can to sort it out. Today, I will go and discuss things properly with Hamlet.

QUEEN   I can’t follow a word of what you’re saying. The way the two of you talk, it’s like a cloud has descended. I can’t make head or tail of whatever it is you’re trying to say. What can you mean? Are you saying you were quarreling with my son? If that is the case, then I can be your advocate. I suppose it started as some futile philosophical dispute. You don’t need to bother yourself.

HORATIO   Your majesty, neither of us are children. It’s not so simple as that. I have started a fire among a family that was at peace with itself. I am Judas Iscariot, worse than Judas. I have betrayed all the people who loved me.

QUEEN   It is shameful for a gentleman to burst into tears. Pull yourself together. Do the two of you spend all your time laughing and crying, engaged in some pretentious little drama in which you play Judas Iscariot going round setting off fires? What a fine little drama! And an effective one. Horatio, quit it. I have forgiven you today, but I’d be careful in the future.

KING   You here? I’ve been looking for you all over. Ah, Horatio. When you came to see me this morning, I was busy, and couldn’t talk properly with you, but there were a number of things I wanted to talk with you about. You’re alright, aren’t you? Nothing the matter?

QUEEN   Horatio’s not feeling too well. Such a big chap, and he says he’s Judas Iscariot and starts fires, and then bursts into tears. Can’t trust him with anything.

KING   Judas, and he starts fires. First I heard of it. Is there something you want to say? Doesn’t do to upset the queen. Horatio’s a serious person. Let’s talk more on this later.

HORATIO   I am very sorry. I made a mistake. When I realized how her majesty felt for Hamlet, I became overcome with emotion, and got carried away talking nonsense. I beg your forgiveness. I made a fool of myself.

KING   Wait, Horatio. You don’t have to go. Stay here. There’s something I’d like to ask you. Come closer. It’s not something I can say in a loud voice. Gertrude, I am surprised. I understand now. I finally understand the reason why Hamlet’s been so agitated.

QUEEN   So, it’s to do with us.

HORATIO   No, I’m entirely to blame. I definitely …

KING   What have the two of you been saying? Relax, won’t you. I’ll sit down here. You sit too, Horatio. I need your opinion. I’ve just heard something most surprising from Polonius. Completely out of the blue. Polonius has handed in his notice. Well, anyway, I decided to accept it. Don’t be so shocked, my dear. Just listen to what I have to say. It was quite a shock. Now, Ophelia …

QUEEN   Ophelia? Really. Well, I had my suspicions.

KING   Don’t stand up, Gertrude. Stay seated. Sit and relax, and carefully consider what I say. Horatio also, listen carefully. Don’t just pretend to listen.

HORATIO   Was that so? There was someone behind it after all. Talking of Ophelia, she’s Polonius’ daughter, isn’t she? To think that that pretty face could be plotting foul and groundless slanders to disturb the peace of our royal house, and to say nothing of these rumours floating around the university of Wittenberg, it’s outrageous. But what is the cause. The pangs of unrequited love, or something else …

QUEEN   Stop this, Horatio. You don’t understand anything. You’re just talking fantasy. Ophelia’s pregnant.

KING   What are you saying, Gertrude? I haven’t got to that bit yet. It was hard for me to say it as a man. To tell it straight would be cruel.

QUEEN   Women know their own bodies. Anyone would guess looking at the state she’s been in recently. It’s absurd, really. Horatio, have you woken up now?

HORATIO   It’s like a dream.

KING   I know what you mean. It’s like a dream for me as well. But you shouldn’t fret yourself about it. Now, Horatio, I have a request to make of you. You are supposed to be Hamlet’s best friend. The two of you would tell each other absolutely anything, wouldn’t you?

HORATIO   Yes, that’s how things were up until yesterday. I’m not sure now.

KING   No need to be too hard on yourself. If you could just relax, it won’t seem such a great and remarkable incident as all that. These last two months, the castle’s been in a state of uproar, what with the late king’s funeral, my coronation, and now marriage. Hamlet’s been stuck in the middle of all this, grieving terribly for his father, and just wanting a few gentle words of sympathy from someone. That someone was Ophelia. Sorrow has turned into love, in my opinion. How Hamlet feels towards Ophelia I’m not sure. He’s probably gone off her a bit by now, in which case it’s simple. Ophelia goes away to the country for a little while, and then everything is settled. It appears the rumours are already well known within the castle, as Polonius feared, but however terrible they may be, they’ll be forgotten in six months. Polonius will take care of Ophelia, and I too will do all that I can. You can leave it up to us. We will not allow Ophelia’s life to be ruined. You can relax on that one. Anyway, won’t you try and have a word with Hamlet. Find out what he’s actually thinking. I really don’t mean any harm.

QUEEN   It’s a dog’s life, isn’t it, Horatio. If I were in your position, I would refuse. I would much rather get Hamlet pay for his own contrivances, do everything by himself. The king is too sympathetic toward Hamlet. It’s because of the generational difference between the young men of today, and when he was a young gallant.

KING   No, the feelings of young men haven’t changed. In time, Hamlet will come to respect me from his heart. What do you think, Horatio?

HORATIO   Well, there are things I’d like to ask my lord Hamlet?

KING   Well, that’s good. Penetrate the disguises of his heart, and gently convey to him our good intentions. I am relying on you. Because Hamlet’s got an English princess lined up for him

QUEEN   And I have some things to ask of Ophelia.

SCENE FIVE

A Corridor

POLONIUS   My lord Hamlet!

HAMLET   Ah, you took me by surprise. Now if that isn’t Polonius standing in a shady corner. What’s up with you?

POLONIUS   I was waiting for you, my lord.

HAMLET   Oh, really. How strange! Well, you’ve found me. Actually, I’m looking for Horatio right now. You don’t happen to know where he is, do you?

POLONIUS   Please stop this idle chatter, my lord. I handed in my resignation this morning.

HAMLET   Your resignation? Why have you resigned? Has there been some kind of problem or something? An indiscretion. Elsinore will be greatly the less without you.

POLONIUS   What do you mean? I have always been deceived by that most innocent face of yours. Yesterday those regrettable rumours that have been circulating the castle came to my attention.

HAMLET   Rumours? What do you mean? That’s serious. I wouldn’t deceive you. I can’t bear to be told an unpleasant rumour and then to go around pretending as if I knew nothing. Honestly, I didn’t know. I was most surprised about something someone told me last night. But the fact that you’ve known nothing up to now is quite unusual. It’s not the kind of thing you hear every day, is it? It was careless of you. But you honestly knew nothing. That’s unprecedented. If you really didn’t know, then that would be a cause for taking responsibility and resigning, but a person in your position ought not to have known nothing.

POLONIUS   My lord, pardon me for asking, but are you in your right senses?

HAMLET   Don’t be ridiculous. Of course I am. Just take a look at me. Now come on, you’re not resigning because you believe those rumours.

POLONIUS   You’re a genius at spreading rumours! With that whiter than white voice of yours. My lord, you must try to be more aware of your position. Speak your mind openly like the young man you are. There’s absolutely nothing to hide. Yesterday I heard directly from the person in question.

HAMLET   What on earth do you mean? What are you talking about? Polonius, aren’t you saying too much? I don’t regard myself as your master, or whatever. Even if they were words uttered between close friends, we wouldn’t be laughing. As you no doubt surmise, I am just a slovenly, cowardly hedonist. There is nothing you can do to help me. And yet I have always intended to dedicate my life for the sake of Denmark. I would break my heart for the sake of the future of the house of Hamlet. Polonius, you speak too much. Why do you have to look so forbidding like that? It’s not very considerate.

POLONIUS   I was showing respect. I will not cry. Is this the child I have raised with such affection these past twenty years. I am in a dream, Hamlet.

HAMLET   I worry for you. You’re getting on, Polonius. The sages of old would have understood my condition well enough.

POLONIUS   Your condition? Oh, I see. Well, you’re definitely mad. You never used to be like this.

HAMLET   You’re driving me completely round the bend. But Polonius, do you actually believe all these rumours?

POLONIUS   I don’t know whether I believe them or not. What were you saying just now? But really I’ve had enough of your weasel words.

HAMLET   Weasel words? What do you mean weasel words? Why should I use weasel words? You are the height of rudeness. There are some things for which I have to apologize to you about but up to now I have always held myself back from doing so. So many times I have held back my desire to work things through with you, and now I am talking to you. Yet you increasingly belittle me, continue to besmirch my name in a way that cannot be ignored. I can no longer forgive you. Polonius, I say this frankly to you. You are a disloyal lord. You believe my uncle’s wicked rumours, you ridicule my mother, and me you drive raving mad. You are a terrible traitor to the royal house of Hamlet. You won’t be handing in your resignation. I would like to be done with you forthwith.

POLONIUS   I see. Well, there are ways and means. I’m sorry, I had no idea you felt that way about me. As you can hear from the way I speak, I am getting on in years. There is one more nasty lie I have to reveal to you. You’ve been making a fuss about one lie, but your immoral deceit leads to a second. While you don’t want your wicked deeds being talked about, you spread other people’s lies as if they were some major scandal, and adopt what is no doubt the wise attitude of interjecting from time to time that you are bothered. You breathe the bad breath of infamy. And what a bother you are to the king. Oh, you pain me, my lord Hamlet, with your madness.

HAMLET   Shall I strike you on the other cheek? Your cheeks are very greasy, which makes them great for slapping. I have no desire to continue this conversation.

POLONIUS   Wait a moment. You can’t wriggle out of this one. I won’t let you away so easily. You’re a coward, Hamlet. Because of you, my family is in complete disarray. I shall have to retreat to the countryside and eke out the rest of my days as a miserable peasant. And what of poor Laertes? He’s only just gone off to France, and now I shall have to call him back again. He has no future to speak of at all. Then …

HAMLET   Ophelia? I will marry her, no worries about that. Polonius, if you hate me so much, I shall speak my mind as well. I took you for a more broad-minded and cultured person, for a lively old soul, someone who knew about life. I thought you might even over time have become my ally. There were things I meant to apologize to you about, and these things I was going to discuss with you each in turn. I was going to get you on my side. As you know, for whatever reason, I haven’t been getting on very well with my uncle and mother of late. I really don’t mean to be so awkward with them, but somehow that’s just how things are. I feel I’m being pushed out. Relations have quite broken down. I’m unable to tell them my innermost sufferings, and at night I writhe in agony unable to sleep. Anyway, I can’t trust those two. I have this feeling that if I do try talking with them the consequences will be all the more terrible, and I’ve even started avoiding their company. It’s frightening. It’s a very dark, unpleasant feeling. When I see those two, I just completely lose my nerve. I am completely tongue-tied. They’re not even bad people. They’re always worrying about me. I understand that. They probably harbour some deep love for me, but the thing is I don’t like it. I don’t want to consult them. Polonius, I was asking you as a last resort. I thought that if I couldn’t do anything else, I would confess all to you, beg your forgiveness, continue to seek your advice. I somehow felt you would definitely be one to see my point of view. When you called after me just then, I felt this chill inside me. I thought, ‘Oh no, it’s him’. What a perfect opportunity, I realize, to confess everything to you, and when I saw your face I went quite pale and felt like I was going to have a nervous breakdown. I suddenly felt like I wanted out, but when you took me by the arm and produced your letter of resignation, I felt from the seriousness of what you were saying that there had probably been some fresh incident, and when I asked you, you told me about the rumours in the castle. ‘Ah, those?’, I acknowledged fleetingly. I never deliberately sought to evade you. I’m not that pathetic.

POLONIUS   You certainly have a way with words. You are quite skilled at avoiding the question. But Polonius will not be deceived. And there will never again be any need at all for you to make your hasty assumptions about the king and queen. You are using your clever tongue to conceal your own sense of inadequacy. Mere sophistry. You do want to deceive me. I wish you could just tell me in simple English what it is you’re after now.

HAMLET   I am beset with doubts. When I am accused in that way, I feel defiant, and just want to be even more foolishly direct. Until yesterday, there was only one thing that was worrying me, Ophelia. Just that one thing. But last night, yet another extreme and unpleasant story came to my attention. If I say it has nothing to do with Ophelia, you will sneer cynically that I am covering things up by shifting the blame onto someone else, but it’s not like that at all. I was suffering last night. I was lonely. Unbearably lonely. I was weeping in my bed. My mind was spinning over with absurd ferocity, terrible thoughts. The two problems became strangely entwined together, and there was nothing I could do to prevent it. It would be graceless of me to say it had nothing to do with Ophelia, when Ophelia has been there from the beginning and the fearful suspicions relating to her will continue to spread. Like wild clouds scudding across the sky, flowing, piling one on top of another, so my troubles swell up three, even fivefold. Last night, I honestly didn’t sleep a wink. My madness has made life easier. Do you understand, Polonius? Those unfortunate rumours at the castle you’ve been telling me about, they’re to do with Ophelia, aren’t they? I tried to consider what to do, and yet another, even darker rumour came to my mind, which I finally brought to you, and I can assure you I am not pretending not to know anything. If you suspect me of pretence, I can get pretty nasty. It was my mistake to have hit you. I’m sorry. I lost my cool, and Polonius, please don’t give me any of your bullshit either from now on. You don’t need to worry about Ophelia. I’ll marry her. I decided that some time ago. Whatever stands in the way, I have to marry her. I love Ophelia. The only thing that worries me is telling the king and queen about it and getting their permission. However I look at it, that’s something I absolutely don’t want to do. I’d rather die. And what I heard last night only makes the idea of going to them even more painful. I want to get to the root of the rumour. There is something. There must be. I have a premonition. If it were a completely baseless rumour, I would be happy. It might on the other hand just be an opportunity for me to apologize openly for my habitual rudeness, and laugh and forget about it. In any case, I want to look more deeply into the true cause of these rumours. It all starts from now. Do you understand, Polonius? Put the matter of Ophelia quietly to one side for the time being. Let’s not do anything irresponsible. Ah, Polonius, I’m feeling stronger already. I’m going to be brave from now on. Human beings have to plumb the depths of suffering in order to recover their courage.

POLONIUS   You’re treading a dangerous path, my lord Hamlet. You’re still young. I’m sorry I cannot trust in what you say. You are feeling stronger but I am afraid you need more than courage to sort out your problems. People who start blurting out exaggerated frivolities just because they’ve got a second wind have always end up idlers, living for appearances. Such painful, lonely, affected words, flying around like the clouds above, are not the language of a man of promise. They are not words I can listen to seriously. You may be growing a beard, but you have no feeling. You always have great dreams for yourself. Get a grip on yourself. In any case, the only thing I have gathered from your little speech just now is that you have never had any intention of providing my daughter with a little human solace. I feel sorry for you. However, the worst is yet to come. I’m afraid it is not worth much, but I will give you what advice I can, because unless you pull yourself together, you’ll be in trouble. Truly, I beg this of you. No more of your high-flown language, please. I honestly can’t listen to it. The things you say are – how can I put it? – in poor taste. Soon one day, you will have children of your own.

HAMLET   That’s why. That’s why I’m in agony. When I’m in pain, I have to tell people I’m in pain. And why? Because I always say what’s on my mind just like that. I speak the truth. I’m really lonely, so I tell people I’m lonely. I feel courageous, so I tell people I’m feeling courageous. No careful forethought, no sense of perspective. Just the best I can do. My high-flown words may seem exaggerated and inept to you, but as far as I am concerned they’re the plain, honest truth. I’m a highly sensitive person. Perhaps we should tell the truth. You are Ophelia’s father, and so of course I love you, and wish to convey to you my reality as it is in a relaxed way. The problem is I trust people too much. I am too much in love with love.

POLONIUS   Haven’t you had enough, Hamlet? The world is not a philosophy classroom, and if you’ll pardon me for saying so, you have no intention of becoming a saint. While you parrot your platitudes about love and truth, Ophelia’s belly is swelling by the second. That is certainly ‘a truth’ that is all too plain to see. This stuff about relaxing because you love me is not in the least bit welcome.

HAMLET   That’s why, that’s why … Oh hell, I don’t understand you. If only you could relax. It’s just my melancholic heart …

POLONIUS   Let’s have no more about your melancholic heart. It gives me the creeps. You’ve used that word a hundred times now. You’re not the only one who’s in pain. My household is in chaos thanks to you. I’ve handed in my resignation. I have to get out of the castle tomorrow. No time for hanging around. I was wondering if you could lend me a hand, Hamlet. To start with, there’s only one thing that needs to be done between ourselves. I haven’t been able to get any sleep as a result of it. I thought of what you might do, Hamlet, and I would like your support in this matter.

HAMLET   Polonius, you’ve suddenly changed your tune, what’s the matter? A young buck like me, of course I’ll help you. Don’t make fun of me. Have you never had any dreams of your own?

POLONIUS   Dreams? Quite likely. This is absolutely a last resort. Hamlet, can you believe that I am loyal? No, don’t worry about that, it’s irrelevant. Hamlet, do you love justice?

HAMLET   You’re a strange one. Suddenly you’ve turned romantic, quite the opposite to what you were before. Now it looks like I’ll be the realist. I never thought I would hear words like justice and loyalty coming from your lips. What can you mean to be hanging your head like that? What can you be thinking?

POLONIUS   I am a bad person, my lord Hamlet. I have been thinking evil thoughts. I was even thinking of betraying the king for the sake of my daughter’s happiness. I will reveal all, but now, here comes Horatio.

HORATIO   You won’t believe it, Hamlet, I’ve done something terrible. Terrible … for keeping my silence. Last night also, I did something unforgivable. I have been saying things you don’t want to hear, and because it was so freezing cold, I couldn’t listen properly to what you were saying, and that’s how I made my mistake. I’ve got it now. Polonius, it’s a terrible thing, isn’t it? You must be worried sick. And Hamlet, what’s on your mind? At this point, Hamlet’s intentions are of the utmost consideration.

HAMLET   Are you jumping to conclusions as usual? You’re an oaf, you really are. What are you getting so excited about? I don’t recall you doing anything shameful.

HORATIO   It’s all lies, lies, a tissue of lies. I’ve just heard everything from the king. It’s no laughing matter. Unless we can do some pretty serious thinking, we’re in deep shit.

HAMLET   Well, you seem to find it amusing. You’re ridiculous. What is it you came about?

HORATIO   You have that tendency to blush, but you’re still pretending. As for me, I’m awkward and easily bluffed. In the end, I have to laugh.

HAMLET   Go to hell. You wanted to find out the truth. Just go to hell.

HORATIO   Well, I’m here. If we fight, we have nothing to lose. So, you want a fight?

HAMLET   Fine, no problem. I’ll beat you easily, you creep. You’re such a weirdo, you haven’t got a clue. If I squeeze your throat in this condition, you’ll make a terrible sound.

POLONIUS   That’s enough, that’s quite enough. Making fisticuffs in the corridor like that, we can’t have violence. The two of you, stop this kidding around. I can’t understand you two. One minute you’re guffawing with laughter, the next you’re at blows. What’s the meaning of this? This is no time to be fighting. Let’s try to calm down a little, shall we? Now this is quite enough. Horatio, this is not the university.

HAMLET   I don’t understand you, Polonius. When we can no longer communicate by other means, then we come to blows. We have to. There’s no way of holding us back.

HORATIO   That’s exactly right. I was completely deceived. Hamlet, it was terrible.

HAMLET   It’s not quite like that. There are reasons.

POLONIUS   What do you mean to laugh in that tawdry manner? You have absolutely no reason to. The matter is actually quite simple. Horatio, come over here. Well, well, the tail of your coat is torn. Now, the two of you mustn’t get violent. Hamlet, control yourself. This is a grave time for all of us, no time for laughing and playing the fool. Hamlet, you must lend us your support. There are various things which I should like the three of us to discuss. Horatio, what was it you came about from the king? Tell us. From today I am Hamlet’s ally, so please trust me, and tell me all you know. What did the king say to you?

HORATIO   He said he was surprised, as if in a dream.

HAMLET   I suppose he had some unpleasant things to say about me.

HORATIO   No moping. The king understands you well enough. Well, I suppose he does. Anyway, he was surprised.

POLONIUS   You have no art. Say what you want to say more clearly. What is the king’s view on the matter?

HORATIO   He’s so old-fashioned in this thinking, absurdly so. I was shocked. I can understand how Hamlet is feeling. I was surprised how far the king is from understanding the truth. I left full of foreboding, quite terrible.

HAMLET   I understand. You say he could not be assuaged, that he had invited a princess from England. I know.

HORATIO   As you say, only worse. It’s no surprise that Hamlet should be feeling so cynical. That’s why we need to pack Ophelia off to the countryside for a while; that will cure a thousand ills. How long have these rumours been floating around? Two months, five months, six months? Anyway, long enough. They don’t seem to doing any harm. The king is not bearing any grudges. That at least cannot be misunderstood. Only the king does not understand the situation. In any case, I have been instructed to convey the king’s warmest regards to my lord Hamlet. The queen was laughing to herself, as if she understood Hamlet’s feelings so well. So there’s definitely no need to give up hope, and in this regard there’s something I have to ask the queen. The king’s no good. He wouldn’t do at all. He’s too old-fashioned.

HAMLET   Horatio, stop beating about the bush. It’s not a matter of old and new. Materialists are all like that. My uncle is a man who believes in worldly happiness. His opinions are as you’d expect. That’s something even I have known all along. That’s the problem. That’s the painful part. Whether one should endure, or seek to run away, or to fight valiantly, to resort to lies, to falsehood, or to appease, ‘To be, or not to be’, that is the question. I don’t have the answer, and because I don’t have the answer, I suffer.

POLONIUS   Twice you use that word, ‘suffering’, twice you use it. You launch into a meaningless babble of half-baked assumptions in imitation of some terrible ham actor; it’s shameful. Even I remember what the king said. It doesn’t do to get upset about such things. I understand how the king was proceeding. That’s why I have submitted my resignation. The only person I have left to ask is your good self, Hamlet. I have my own idea. Horatio, too, I ask your help. Everything is for the sake of Hamlet. You will swear, Horatio, won’t you? You will absolutely promise that you won’t tell anyone what I am about to say.

HORATIO   What do you mean, Polonius? Why have you become so solemn all of a sudden?

POLONIUS   It’s for Hamlet. You won’t make a promise for his sake?

HORATIO   I swear, OK, I swear. I’m just confused at how you suddenly make everything seem so difficult. But if it’s for Hamlet, I swear I’ll do anything unpleasant.

POLONIUS   I trust you. So now, I’ll tell you. Hamlet had just started saying something, but stopped when you came in. The thing is I believe that the walls of this castle hold another darker secret.

HAMLET   What? You believe so? You’re an idiot. You’re mad as well. Or else you too’ve been threatening the king with nasty rumours, and coercing Ophelia into becoming my princess, like a miserable low-born scheme. You’re dirty, dirty. What you said just now, Polonius. What was it you were muttering that I was an evil wretch who would betray even the king for the sake of your daughter’s happiness? I hadn’t a clue what you were on about, but now I realize quite clearly. You’re a bad man, Polonius.

POLONIUS   No! You’re quite wrong. It is my feelings that have changed. Let me say everything from the beginning. It is only very recently that I have heard the rumours about the old king. And I thought it was a most tricky business. It was my intention to consult with the king, and construct a suitable strategy, but when I see the king recently he is not in the best of sorts. I have hesitated to consult with him. I just can’t, to speak frankly. I have gradually come to doubt the king’s word. I try not to think so, but when I see him for myself, I feel somehow constrained and uneasy. I haven’t told anyone about this, and have been keeping it to myself, as I have thought the truth would out eventually. I would have asked him if there had been nothing to worry about, but my daughter has quite suddenly resorted to these terrible and pitiful means. What my lord Hamlet has just now described as a despicable means. Yet Polonius is not a disloyal sort. Please believe that I have never wavered even for a second. It was a lie when I said I couldn’t sleep last night. I was just excited, and my words had absolutely no meaning to them. I may be old, but when I was young I would have wanted to speak such brave words as you do, Hamlet. But if I think about it only for a moment, I have this terrible feeling, and soon I am back to loving justice with a vengeance. It is a desperate love. Even more than the business with Ophelia, I must first ascertain the meaning of these unfortunate rumours. It is my duty I have realized as a subject of the king, nay as a human being. Hamlet, I am on your side now. From today, I determine to be a friend of youth, a defender of the righteousness of youth. In this world, that is the only thing that can be relied upon.

HAMLET   You’re a strange one. I feel embarrassed. Quite strange. Life is a series of surprises, isn’t it, Horatio.

HORATIO   I believe Polonius. Thank you, sir. I believe you, and I appreciate your support. But indeed it is strange. Quite unexpected.

POLONIUS   It’s nothing strange. The two of you are cowards. I am probably being quite rash. But no. It is a matter of justice. What a fine word! I’m set on it, please lend me your support. First, let’s try the king, the three of us. It may be untoward of us, but it is all for the sake of justice. Let us observe the colour of his face. Let us find out sure evidence. I have a good idea, and I want your advice. This is all for the sake of righteousness. That is the only path on which I am set.

HAMLET   In the matter of righteousness, you are unsurpassed. Polonius, you are insane. It is shameful in a man of your age. Calm down, can’t you? Do you really expect me to believe such ridiculous lies? You are lying, aren’t you? It sounds like there’s some hidden motive behind all this.

POLONIUS   Don’t be unkind, Hamlet. I pity you. For you know nothing at all.

HORATIO   Stop it, Polonius, stop it. The king is a good man. Even Hamlet loves the king in the bottom of his heart. Please don’t make such sinister suggestions to the contrary. You really shouldn’t. Oh no, I feel cold again. My whole body is shivering.

HAMLET   Polonius, this is a serious matter. Please beware of any frivolous gestures. Is there any particular point you wish to make?

POLONIUS   My humblest apologies …

HAMLET   Horatio, if people suspect us of playing around, well that’s the truth. I feel like laughing so much I want to cry.

SCENE SIX

A Garden

QUEEN   It’s warm, isn’t it? It feels like spring is coming earlier than usual. Even the lawn has turned a shade of green. I do hope that the spring will come quickly after such a heavy winter. Look, the ice on the stream has melted. The buds on the willow are truly lovely in their tenderness. They will grow and be blown in the wind, and when they tremble exposing their white backs, everything here will be a vision of green and colour. Celandine and nettles, daisies and boneset. What is it that the common people call the boneset? Do you know, Ophelia? I can tell from the way you blush that you do know. I do envy the way the common people make music of their vulgar language. What do you call that flower? You wouldn’t use such a blatantly improper name, would you?

OPHELIA   No, my lady. Actually, I use the same word. That’s what I was used to calling it in my childish innocence, and even now that’s the word which has stuck. Not only myself, but the other ladies at court all use the same name without compunction.

QUEEN   Is that so? I’m surprised that the ladies of today should be so open. Although there’s nothing wrong with doing so and is probably quite refreshing.

OPHELIA   No, but we’re careful not to say it in front of men, saying ‘dead men’s fingers’.

QUEEN   Well, so you should. It’s interesting you can’t say it directly in front of men. But dead men’s fingers is another of these nicknames, isn’t it. Dead men’s fingers. They’re not unlike that. It’s a pitiful flower. The gold ring on a dead man’s finger. I’m weeping even though I don’t feel sad. It’s ridiculous of me at my age to weep tears over a pathetic flower. I suppose that women, however old they are, need to indulge themselves in that way. We women have our own unique sense of the frivolous. Can’t be changed. Even at my age, I secretly prefer a bunch of daisies to the whole of Denmark. Women are useless, aren’t they, though not just women, human beings generally are utterly unreliable. Even the most splendid-looking of men is basically spineless, being concerned only with what’s on other people’s minds; that’s what I’ve finally come to realize. Human beings are wretched, pitiful creatures. Whether they’re successful or failures, smart or stupid, winners or losers, they can never relax, rushing around from morn till night, the sweat pouring off their brows, and then they start to get old; I wonder whether it’s simply old age for which we were born into this world to attain. We’re just like insects, nothing smarter. I have lived my life for the sake of Denmark, and the suffering and sorrows that has entailed, and yet I’m an idiot. I’ve been deceived by everyone. ‘To live for Denmark’, it’s a fine concept, and it’s because I’ve lived only for Denmark that I have been prepared to endure such pains and sorrows. I can be proud that I have received my great task in life from the Almighty, and it is with that assurance that I have been able to endure the loneliest of times. I continue to resign myself to a life of subservience in the belief that I am someone called by God specially to this heavy task, but when I think about it now it just seems absurd. I wonder what this frail body of mine is actually capable of doing. I spend my days shifting restlessly from one trifling task to another, and then sometimes do something utterly mean and futile that has devastating consequences for the lives of others. Then later, I can’t bear to share the responsibility with others. I have tried to bear the stress of the kingdom and the house of Hamlet, but feel like I’m a straw floating in a muddy stream. It’s too absurd for words, Ophelia. What’s your health like?

OPHELIA   Fine, I think.

QUEEN   You don’t have to hide anything. I know already. Just relax. As Hamlet’s mother, I love you as my own. You look well enough today. Have you got past your morning sickness?

OPHELIA   My lady, I am able now to express my gratitude. Actually, when I opened my eyes this morning, my heart beamed with pleasure, and everything smelled just as normal. Up to last night, my body, and my night clothes and underwear were reeking like a leek, and however much I tried to hide the smell with perfume, I could’nt control myself, and cried. However, this morning, I felt as though I had woken from a bad dream, and suddenly my body feels light again, and I can enjoy my soup for the first time in several days. I still worry lest I should happen to fall back into the hell I was experiencing up to yesterday. My body is a fragile thing, a bundle of nerves. Even now I tread with hesitant steps, breathing as quietly as possible, my heart in my mouth. I wonder if I’m going to be alright. I would hate to have those horrible thoughts again.

QUEEN   I’m sure you’ll be alright now you’ve got back your appetite. You really don’t know anything, do you? It’s natural. Let me be your confidante. I warmed to you just now when you spoke so honestly of what was on your mind. I like people who have the courage to overcome their diffidence and speak their minds.

OPHELIA   No, my lady, until yesterday I was speaking only lies. Deceiving others is its own hard and bitter hell. But there’s no longer any need for me to lie. I have told everyone. Luckily my physical condition has quite cleared up this morning, and I am not afraid to revert to the bright and cheerful Ophelia of old. These past two months have been like a dream, strange things happening every day.

QUEEN   It’s not only you who has been feeling that way. We have all of us been feeling like we’ve been living in some terrible dream these past two months. Thinking about it now, the peace we enjoyed under the old king even feels like a lie. That age, when every day our life in the castle, indeed the whole of Denmark, was filled with new hopes will never be repeated. No one’s done anything very wrong, but it feels like Elsinore and Denmark have become sunk in gloom, and are resounding to sighs and mean rumours. I have this premonition that something terrible will happen, a real tragedy. I don’t in the least mind that Hamlet should be so relaxed about things, only he seems to have gone half mad on your account. Everyone else thinks only of their status and how they look, and since they’re always rushing about from one place to the next, can’t be relied on at all. Women are such foolish creatures, yet men can hardly be called intelligent either. You wouldn’t understand these things yet, but men – and it pains me to say so – think a great deal of us women. It’s nothing to laugh about. It’s nothing to get puffed up about. Men say all kinds of splendid-sounding things when in actual fact they live only for their little woman at the back. All their successes and personal triumphs are achieved solely to please their precious wives. They’re always trying to prove their various points of view, but it’s only for the wife’s approval. I choose my words carefully, you know. It’s pathetic when you think about it. It’s something I’ve been noticing recently, and it really surprises me. No, not surprised, disappointed, and I’ve come to respect the world of men. From our point of view, men live in this incomprehensibly harsh and lofty world of ideals. All we can hope to do is give them a little help taking care of their physical needs at least, but it’s absurd, laughable, that the help we give them should become men’s sole object in life. It’s embarrassing when you discretely help them with their coat, and they turn and face you. Whether it’s their ideas, their philosophy or what a hard time they’re having, they always have their head in the sky, indeed seem to be talking off the top of their heads. And the thing is they’re only really interested in what we women think. They act only to be praised and admired by us. I’ve realized recently you can’t help the mediocre appearance of men. Ophelia, your generation wouldn’t understand this. If Hamlet seems like a good guy to you that can’t be helped either. He’s an idiot as far as I’m concerned. He cares only for the high opinion of those around him, and is in thrall to loose women. He was like that as a child, caring only for what his friends thought of him. He is a fool. Because he’s a coward at heart, he’s always trying to prove himself by doing reckless things, and though his friends and you, Ophelia, might like it, he doesn’t have a clue to get himself out of his own mess, and sulks and weeps alone. Inside himself, he depends on us. Beneath the sulks he’s waiting for us to sort out his mess. The way he gives me his frivolous, half-baked philosophy, forcing Horatio and his other friends to play to his lack of response, and what he calls his philosophy is really nothing more than a gambit to pester us for affection, and is not worth mentioning. He’s a spoilt brat. From morning till night, all he wants is the praise of others. He’s always involved in some frivolous scheme or other to gain undeserved applause. With the haphazard life he’s living now, what hope is there for him in the future? That brother of yours, Laertes, is the same age as Hamlet, but he at least has found his way in the world already.

OPHELIA   No really, my brother has his faults. My lady, he may seem quite the splendid young man to you, but at heart he’s a bundle of nerves, and while you say he lives only for the adulation of others, that’s how he talks, and behind those words it’s funny how he praises Laertes. That’s how my brother is as well at heart, although compared with Hamlet he can get a bit rough and rigid. Yet people who coolly separate their private from their public lives make us women feel lonely. I have never disliked my older brother and yet we’ve never had the kind of relationship where I can tell him everything. It’s the same with my father. I’m probably a bad daughter and sister. That can’t be helped. I just don’t have those feelings for my own flesh and blood.

QUEEN   Hamlet’s the only person for whom you have any feelings, isn’t he. I’m disappointed in you. You must think of yourself. When you’re staring dreamily out of the window, everyone feels contempt for their parents and siblings. Isn’t that to be expected? If I really listen seriously to what you people say, I just think you’re all crazy. What do you think you’re saying?

OPHELIA   No, my lady, I’m not dreaming. I’ve been saying this since long before my present condition. No, I’ve been secretly wanting to tell you this, not Hamlet. It’s true that various things have passed between myself and the lord Hamlet, joys and sorrows, unexpected feelings. Forgive me for saying so but it never occurred to me that I would look on you as a mother. I was happy that these pale expectations of mine have been reciprocated. Please believe me. My lady, you cannot understand how much I suffered when I was younger on account of my respect and affection for you. Even now I always try to imitate your gestures and your way of talking ... in every little way. I do apologize. I am nothing compared to you, I just want to say that as a woman you are a person of great beauty, virtue and splendour. You make me happy. I am a stupid daughter. If my lord Hamlet were not your daughter, I think this mistake would not have arisen. I am not an immoral girl. I wish to be taken seriously just as you take seriously your beloved son.

QUEEN   You have a pretty way with words, Ophelia. You lot are always coming out with the first thing you can think of, which annoys my generation. If you have any liking for me at all, it’s because of my status. My status blinds you to your moral principles, and in your dizzy state of mind everything seems wonderful to you. I’m a dull, middle-aged woman. And the reason why you weren’t able to turn Hamlet away either was his status. Hamlet’s his mother’s special baby, and the reason why I am presumptuous enough to suppose that he should take me seriously is because I’m the only person who laughs at his jokes, listens to him, is soft on him, but if you said such things to anyone else, people would take you for crazy or an idiot to have said that you wanted me to treat you like your mother. That would be your greatest pleasure; it's obvious you meant it innocently. All you are saying is how happy you are to become the consort of the future king, the prince’s princess. That’s to be expected. The way you girls dress up your mean ambitions as innocent affection is as brazen as it is cunning. I am caught quite unawares. The young people of today make us smile with the way they talk so childishly pretending to know nothing, when in fact they know exactly what they’re doing. I hate it. You’re sly little vixens, aren’t you?

OPHELIA   That’s not so, my lady. Why should we be so spiteful and dishonest? Speaking for myself, I have no such shallow ambitions. The affection I have for your majesty is sincere. I like you enough to weep for you. My own mother passed away when I was little, but even if she were still alive she would not be so much in my affections as your majesty is now. Your majesty seems to me even gentler of nature and more wonderful than was my mother. I would die for your majesty at any time. I always imagine that I may in my modest way spend my life with you as my mother. But honestly, I have absolutely no ambitions of my own. I will tell you the pitiful truth. I have even forgotten about Hamlet’s status. Yet I can smell your breast milk somewhere on his body, which is what makes me love him so desperately, and why matters have passed to their present shameful state. I have never sought to deceive your majesty. That is something I can swear before God. And I can honestly say that I have never even dreamed of marrying your son. Yet if I can feel just the slightest connection with you, I would be fortunate. Everyone is in despair over me. My only pleasure now is to have your majesty’s grandchild, and to bring the child up strong and healthy. I regard myself as a happy young woman. Even if I am to be abandoned by Hamlet, I can still live contentedly with my child. My lady, Ophelia has pride in herself. As a daughter of Polonius, I can be proud of my unyielding spirit. I know everything. Only in my wildest dreams have I ever supposed Hamlet to be the fairest and most perfect hero in the world. Please excuse my rudeness. My nose is too big, my eyes small, and my eyebrows too broad. My teeth are in a terrible condition. No one could call me fair. I am a little bow-legged, and my shoulders are pitifully round. Nor is my personality anything to speak of. People might call me feminine, but I’m always putting people’s backs up with the gossip I cause. Come the evening, you’re the only person I can trust. I feel deceived by everyone. You’re the only person to take pity on me and give me the time of day when I timidly approach you in my ignorance, covering my face with both hands and crying crocodile tears. That’s about all I can do. Then I sputter out the slightest faltering words of solace, my voice becomes hoarse, and I groan sadly to myself about how unfortunate I am, how no one understands my suffering. I say that I am the unhappiest, loneliest person in the world. I pull out my hair. I would be inconsolable if you had to play the heroine in a tragedy. Getting up suddenly, throwing the coffee pot at the wall so it breaks into fragments. Yet there’s no man in the world so good humoured and so sharp-witted as I am. I’m like a thunderbolt, I am, the way I cotton on to things so quickly, not even a demon could trick me. When I’m in the right mood, I can do anything. I always succeed, whatever the challenge, however frightening. No doubt you think I’m going a bit over the top but that’s because you don’t believe me, you can’t understand me. I make you quite cross, don’t you know, so that however much I may swear I’m telling the truth you get upset and berate yourself. I am a bighead, a compulsive gambler, a fraud. Everyone knows what I’m up to, and they laugh at me for it. You’re the only one who doesn’t know. Deceived by the likes of me. Caught in my little trap. I’m just like any wretched guy. No one in the world will be my friend, only you, you’re the only one whom I can claim to have trapped. When I hear all the time what a shit I am I just want to cry, and I carry on making fun of you like there’s no tomorrow. When I stand in front of the mirror for an hour or so with these thoughts on my mind, I sometimes see the distorted image of your face. I perceive your long nose, and just as you’ll often try to tweak your nose when you’re looking in the mirror, I too gush forth. But, you know, I like that guy. There’s no one like him in the whole wide world. He’s a person of very great virtues in my view. He may be a bit strange at times, but he has about him the odour of a higher order. I am a woman of great pride, but I would never make hasty decisions about a man. Even if that person happens to be a prince of the royal blood, I would never throw myself recklessly at him. Hamlet is the most sensitive person in the world, and it’s because he’s a person of such deep feelings that he’s proved too much for you, and you know neither what to feel nor what to say. Aren’t I right? My lady, isn’t it because you know his strengths so well?

QUEEN   What you’re saying doesn’t have any validity at all. To say you like Hamlet because you’re enthralled to me is illogical, and then to berate Hamlet one minute, and in the next breath to say there’s no one in the world as virtuous as Hamlet, a son of God you intimated, strikes me as highly strange, a waste of words. You babble on about trapping an old lady like me, and how wonderfully attracted you are to me, but if you think you’re being stupid it’s not in the least stupid, highly commendable in fact. It worries me how on earth I should answer you. You too have been touched by Hamlet. But is he really such a paragon of virtue? If you think it’s just Horatio, you too are a quite excellent pupil.

OPHELIA   I feel quite small to be spoken to in such a way, my lady. I said what I was feeling without any pretense otherwise. Everything I have said is true. If anything struck you as strange it’s definitely because of my poor way of expressing myself. You’re the only person to whom I wouldn’t lie. I get impatient, my mind races ahead of me, the words don’t come out properly, and I can’t say what I really mean. I am trying to be honest to the one man I love. I love you, my lady, and assure you I wouldn’t tell a single lie to you. Yet however hard I try to say the right words, I cannot. People don’t have to sound like inarticulate comedians when they’re telling the truth, but I just feel so pathetic and impotent. What I say is incoherent, without a shred of reasoning to it. This truth I hold in my heart is too complex for me to be able to express easily in words. That’s why I’m so all over the place, and why when I try to put my feelings into order I lose my patience and make more mistakes, the more I try to say. Perhaps I love you too much. Perhaps I’m just lacking in common sense.

QUEEN   These are all the reasons Hamlet has taught you, aren’t they. I hate the way that young people today are so skilled at making excuses for themselves. Let’s cut this affected way of talking. If you just said that you couldn’t understand and were fed up, we would soon understand. You’re a good girl who, on other matters, states her mind boldly and with nothing to hide, but when it comes to Hamlet you come out with all kinds of nonsense, and try to hide your own embarrassment. You haven’t even apologized to me yet.

OPHELIA   My lady, I have wanted to apologize to you from the bottom of my heart but can’t find the words to do so. Our behavior is not something that can be forgiven with a little word like ‘sorry’. I feel like the letters of this word ‘sorry’ have been etched in blue ink on one side of my body, and yet for some reason I am still unable to say the word to your ladyship. It’s a hollow feeling. I’ve been all these terrible things all the while, and yet when I think of asking your forgiveness by saying that little word, I realize what a shameless hussy I am for not even being aware of my own sins. Hamlet is just the same, and is suffering just like me. I’m sure he’s having a hard time knowing he has to make recompense as well. That’s all the two of us have been able to think about of late: our grief at having to apologize to your ladyship. Your ladyship, you’re all by yourself in the court, and yet although we should be helping you, as it is we just cause you worry, and neither ‘bad’ nor ‘stupid’ seem adequate labels for the way things are. I feel terrible, like dying. I have adored Hamlet since a long time ago. That’s the truth. For just once in my life I admire your praise. I’ve tried at my studies and in my deportment and etiquette, and yet I know I’m hopeless. I’m a crazy girl who has behaved unforgivably toward her majesty. My lord Hamlet loves and cherishes you, respects you even more than I myself. We pray for your continued good health and prosperity. While you are alive, there have even been nights when I have impressed on Hamlet the need to treat you with proper respect.

QUEEN   I’m sorry. I made you cry with my mean and heartless accusations. I feel sad when you speak to me with such yearning and tenderness. You heart’s fit for bursting, isn’t it? You’re a good girl, Ophelia. A really honest girl. There may be a cunning side to you, but if you have been telling lies, they’re harmless and unmeant, and nothing I can find fault with. If anything, your lies are rather beautiful. In this world, Ophelia, it is neither nice nor pleasurable to find a young woman who speaks as innocently as you do. By comparison, we mature women are dirty. Nasty, worn out old bags. It’s unbearable to hear you saying that you love me so much that you pray I will live forever. Ophelia, I have a live to live, but please forgive me.

OPHELIA   What are you saying, my lady? It’s like you’ve completely changed your point of view. You must be talking about something else. Ah, that’s what I need. Something to sit on. Now sit yourself here, and calm down. If you’re going to cry like that, I’ll end up in tears as well. Let’s sit here sit by side. Oh, my lady, this was where the late king was sitting when he met his end. He was enjoying the sun just here when suddenly his condition took a turn for the worse, and when we rushed to his side, it was too late. I remember that morning was the first time I put on my new red dress, and what with my grief and regret my red dress looked like it was green. When you’re as sad as I was, red looks like green.

QUEEN   Stop it now, Ophelia. I made a mistake! I no longer have any hopes for myself. None at all, it’s tedious. Ophelia, you will take care of yourself.

OPHELIA   My lady, I don’t really understand you. But as far as I’m concerned, there’s not need to worry. I will be responsible for Hamlet’s child.

SCENE SEVEN

A Room in the Castle

HAMLET   Oh my God, I’m such an idiot. I wonder what on earth drives me on. I get up in the morning, eat, hang about, and in the evening, I sleep. All I ever think about is having fun. I’ve mastered three foreign languages, but that was only because I wanted to read dirty poems in those languages. My stomach for idle fantasy is five times that of other people, ten times more voracious. I don’t know the meaning of satisfaction. I’m always looking for stronger sensations. But I’m a coward, lazy, and so usually the longing for sensation is as far as I ever get. I’m a metaphysical mystic. An adventurer of the human heart. A navigator of the intellectual world. I’m an insignificant dreamer, and it was on one such journey of the heart that I ended up falling for Ophelia, and that was that. Somehow or other I seem to have been smitten by her. This is just wild talk. I go on these trips like I think I’m Don Juan, and the first thing I do is to end up seducing some little girl, and when I leave the girl I produce some laughable story about how I’m going to live in agony for the rest of my life, look like I mean it. First, by way of a test I deceive some country girl. I study the girl’s heart, and then although I’m all set to go on one of my Don Juan journeys I slowly depart, joking that I’ve already wasted a lifetime of seventy years in studying the country lass. I may look serious but I’m a comic hero. I have a surprising genius for playing the fool. I’m all fun and games these days. You’d be appalled if you were told in a serious face of the tedious and frightening things that offer clear evidence that my jests are suspect. That’s the smart thing about jokes. It’s just as comic when men say they love their wife and she’s an old hag with false teeth. It’s also quite absurd the way that Polonius has suddenly taken on the fastidious appearance of an upright samurai. And I’m going to be a daddy before long, which is fantastic, and is going to be the highlight of this evening’s recital. Polonius has certainly been a little strange, acting like he was thirty or forty years younger; I was astonished when he insisted on putting on this recital. He’s unearthed this horribly sentimental period piece by some English poetess, and says he’s going to turn it into a script for three readers. Makes me nervous. What’s worse, Polonius wants to play the young bride. I can see this poem is probably going to be a little damaging for my uncle and mother. The old man’s motive is to invite the king and queen to the recital and to try to observe their reactions during the play. I think it’s absurd. Even if they turn white with fear, what kind of evidence is that? And if they were to laugh, that can only prove their innocence. One might be able to tell how they are feeling, but impossible to say whether they’re innocent or not. Polonius has no idea what he’s doing. He not only seems a bit stupid, but also rather wild. Not wanting to put Ophelia’s father into a bad mood, I’ve been going along with his idea and have cajoled Horatio into it; the three of us are going to have our first rehearsal after lunch today. Horatio said he wasn’t so keen at first, but he soon lightened up once the rehearsal started, and ranted his lines in this peculiar, high-pitched voice he’d learnt in some kind of drama club at Wittenberg. He’s a really honest guy. The way he expresses his feelings is not in the least bit crude. Even when he makes a mistake, it somehow doesn’t matter. He has no side at all. His whole philosophy is one of real humility. Me, I’m just a nothing compared to him. A total bloody fool. I have no idea what it means to resign oneself to one’s fate, like Horatio. There’s no limit to my desire. I’m so selfish and wrapped up in myself that there’s not a single woman left in the whole wide world who would even consider becoming mine. In the bottom of my heart I want to be admired by everyone: for my agile mind, for my remarkable talents, I sometimes terrify people by my personality, make them gawp with wonder, with the way I lose myself in my raptures, but the simple fact is I can’t do anything. I have this painful feeling that far from all the girls being in love with me the only one I can expect to love me is the young woman next door. Far from being the skilled strategist, I don’t know a thing about how to run the country. Far from being loved by others, I am only deceived by them. I am a coward at heart, in awe of others. People bow to me only because they have to. I take their bowing and scraping for real, feel a momentary sense of triumph, even a bit crazy. If I try to reward their expectations, I make some empty heroic gesture, the situation becomes irretrievable, and it ends up with everyone scoffing at me. Even when someone says unpleasant things about me, I don’t realize they don’t like me. I assume everyone’s on my side, and even when they force themselves to say things they don’t want to say, I feel gratified, and make a mental note that someday I will reward these, my benefactors. Even when someone despises me, I delightedly mistake their feelings for respect or love until suddenly one evening, about five or six years later, I realize how much they loathe me! That’s what I think, but the funny thing is I’m happy! The thing is, I also have a strongly calculating side to my nature, and if I treat my friends kindly, there’s a corner to my heart which says I’m not doing it for them but have underhand motives. I disgust myself. I am a vain and hollow fool. I am utterly unable to distinguish between the great and the wicked. I couldn’t tell if someone who looked lonely was actually putting on a big act. It’s pathetic. Human beings are pathetic. I, Horatio, we’re both wretches. Polonius, Ophelia, my uncle and my mother, they’re all miserable wretches. I’ve never felt contempt, hatred, anger, or jealousy. If you irritate people, you are bound to rouse their hatred and contempt. I lack perception. What does it feel like to hate someone, to despise them, to be jealous of them? What does it feel like, I don’t know. There’s only one thing I’ve realized, which is the misery of having a heart that experiences as many ups and downs as mine does. This has been my life of the last twenty-three years. It’s the only thing I do understand, and piteous though it may be, there’s nothing I can do about it. And even if I can’t express those feelings of mine very well in words, let alone actions, they always appear in the opposite way intended. I’m a nobody, an idler and a fool. I’m of no use to anyone. It’s pathetic, no laughing matter. Horatio, my uncle and my mother, Polonius, I pity them all. If my life could be of some use to someone, I would give it to anyone. Of late, human beings have come to seem even more wretched to me. Trying to exercise a wisdom one does not have can only heap evil upon evil, can it not?

POLONIUS   Ah, so much to get done. Good, Hamlet, you’re here already. How will this do for a little stage? I brought in some boxes and carpets to make it. This should be enough, shouldn’t it? Since we’ll be reading, not performing, the play, we won’t need a carpet or backdrop. Isn’t that right? But as it will look a bit bare without anything, I’ve put a bowl of cyclamen here. What do you think? A potted plant would really add something to the setup, don’t you think.

HAMLET   It makes me sad.

POLONIUS   What’s that? Why should it make you sad? Are you saying you think the bowl is a bad idea? Perhaps we should put it further at the back. If that’s what you think, I’ll put it on one side. I guess it does look pathetic. Looks like it will fall off at any moment.

HAMLET   Polonius, it’s you I’m talking about, you’re pathetic. Not just you, but uncle too, mother, all of you. All living human beings are pathetic. Live as best as they may, there’s never an evening when they can smile happily to themselves.

POLONIUS   What are you going on about now? There’s nothing good can come of such talk. You’re always putting a damper on people’s plans. It’s only for your sake that I thought I’d put on this little skit. I know how keen you lot are on justice, I just wanted to help you in your pursuit of the truth. I have no other ambition than that. I thought our play might go some way towards telling how much truth there is in these outrageous rumours.

HAMLET   I understand, Polonius, I understand. You’re a real friend of justice. That’s admirable. But in one’s personal sense of justice, one can sometimes wreak havoc on the peace and quiet of other people’s family lives. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. Mankind has always had to face up to injustice. I wonder if my cousin knows we have evidence of his wrongdoing. I now know more than ever I did before what a miserable lot we all are.

POLONIUS   Hamlet, excuse me for saying this but you’re still young. If it turns out that there’s absolutely nothing underhand going on with the king, then it goes without saying that the people of Denmark will breathe a simultaneous sigh of relief, and they’re be smiles all round. Justice isn’t necessarily meant to expose people’s faults, for sometimes it rescues people from sins of which they were unaware. That is the happy outcome I would hope for above all else. That above all else! And if we should be so lucky it would be something like a miracle. Well anyway, let’s give it a try. Leave the rest to me. Trust me.

HAMLET   You mean what you say, Polonius, don’t you. More’s the pity. I know everything. Oh, I hate it. It doesn’t really matter what my uncle’s been up to, does it. My uncle will continue to carry on in his own way and to the best of his ability. My feelings have somehow done a complete change. Until this morning, I’ve been bickering away about my uncle, because I had to get to the root of these disgusting rumours, but Polonius, as you have so pointedly reminded me, perhaps it was just to turn the tide of opinion. Perhaps it was only as a means of hiding my embarrassment. Just now you gave me hard evidence that unfortunately cannot be denied, so that all of a sudden I feel sorry for my uncle. It’s a shame. My uncle means well. He isn’t capable of doing such stupid and wicked things. He’s a stronger man than me. He’s doing his best. No, it’s me who’s the fool. I’ve been careless, shameless, in the jokes and aspersions I’ve cast at my uncle. Polonius, let’s quit all this make-believe about justice. Ah, when I think of the terrible things that could result from this frivolous play, I feel like I can’t carry on living.

POLONIUS   Come now, you mustn’t exaggerate. This morning, your favourite word was ‘painful’, and now it’s ‘sad’. You are just regurgitating something you learnt at school. This world is not all feelings. Justice and will. In order to become a real gentleman, you have to control your reflections and self-pity. If it’s just Ophelia you have your mind on, that’s fine with me. Compared with yourself, Hamlet, a boy like Horatio is plain and innocent, really still a boy lost in his childish dreams. You should follow his example a little. Horatio may have no idea of the ulterior motive of our little ploy, but you can see what happiness being in a play brings him, how involved he gets in the rehearsals. There’s a lot to be said in that. Now, you know your lines well enough. The audience will be here any moment now. Horatio has been getting everyone to come in. He never stops, does he. To be honest, I wanted to play the part of the bridegroom, but the part’s just not me. Ah, our guests have arrived.

KING   Thank you so much for inviting us here today. Horatio, in that unique style of speaking he picked up at Wittenberg, has bidden us all to hear the play. It warms my heart to see such an entertainment performed by my nearest and dearest. To be gathered by the fireside with your family must be the greatest of man’s pleasures. Recently, I haven’t had much to feel happy about. Life is truly a vale of tears, isn’t it, so I thank you again, from the bottom of my heart, for inviting us here. Hamlet too, you look in good order today. It seems that spending some time with your close friend, Horatio, has improved your mood. We should continue with these entertainments from time to time.

POLONIUS   Yes, in fact, that’s what I had in mind, despite my age, to start a theatrical company for the young people. The first one, tonight, is in honour of your succession and marriage. The next is some light relief on Hamlet’s part, and finally Horatio will have a chance to show off the way of speaking he learnt in his foreign studies, and I can assure you, it is really something special.

HORATIO   I’m afraid I’ll make a fool of myself. You call it elocution, but I can’t get the words to come out right. Now, my lady, your majesty, please take a seat in the seats arranged here.

QUEEN   What an extraordinary thing. I wonder how you came up with the idea of doing a play. Was it one of Hamlet’s passing fads, or the misguided wisdom of Polonius. Horatio is very flattering, I’m sure, but I cannot understand why

KING   Gertrude, connoisseurs of the theatre don’t need to state the obvious. Now, everyone’s in their seats. Oh my, the stage does look good. This is one of Polonius’ contrivances, isn’t it? It’s quite remarkable, isn’t it? We all of us can do something, can’t we?

POLONIUS   And I can assure you that what you are about to see will be even more remarkable. Hamlet, will you step up to the stage. Horatio, too, if you will.

HAMLET   It feels higher than the Alps, like I’m climbing onto the scaffold. So, here goes.

HORATIO   Anyone would feel dizzy their first time on stage. This is my third time, so I’m alright. Agh, I slipped.

POLONIUS   Mind how you go, Horatio. The stage is made of empty boxes, so it’ll be a bit uneven in places. Now everyone, the three of us are going to perform a play on the theme of justice. You are about to witness a dramatic poem written by a certain English female playwright; it’s called ‘The Hour and the Ghost’. I have directed it myself. Since we’re not the most experienced of crews, it’s a bit untidy at the edges, for which I beg your indulgence. Horatio is famous for his foreign style of performance, so let’s hear him first.

HORATIO   What? Me? I can’t think what to say. Well, you see, I’m supposed to be playing the bridegroom.

POLONIUS (in an exaggerated voice)   And I, sir, play the bride.

QUEEN   Sounds a bit grim. He must be drunk.

KING   He’s not drunk. Something much worse. Look at his eyes.

HAMLET   I play the ghost. Shall we start, Polonius? People are saying we’re drunk.

POLONIUS   What nonsense! I’m the only one who’s not drunk. Let’s start then. Everyone.

BRIDE (Polonius)

   Oh lover, gentle dear. Hold me tight.

   He will come with me.

   Oh, it’s cold.

   How fearful the sound of the wind in the pines. The cold northern wind chills my body.

   Faraway,

   Faraway,

   A small light glimmering in the depths of the forest.

   That light is meant to welcome me.

BRIDEGROOM (Horatio)

   Oh, let me embrace you, my little dove.

   The stars are twinkling above the forest yonder.

   No one to be afraid of.

   The stars twinkle fiercely when there’s a strong north wind.

GHOST (Hamlet)

   Whooooh!

   Come with me, fair lady. You can’t have forgotten what I look like.

   My voice is liked the biting winter wind. My dwelling place, the bottom of a muddy pool.

   Won’t you come with me?

   Won’t you come to my bed of ice?

   I am calling you. You can’t have forgotten me.

   Do you remember what I used to say? You’re like a rose too bashful to bloom.

   Now you are the proud anemone in full bloom.

   You pretty deceiver. Come with me.

BRIDE (Polonius)

   Hold me stronger!

   That person is a shadow from the past who has come to make me suffer.

   It’s putting its cold fingers round my neck.

   Oh, hold me tight. My body has slipped from your breast, and flutters softly towards the graveyard in the forest.

   The wind in the pines, the voice of someone.

   It whispers continually of a promise I long ago made from its accidental confusion. It speaks in a whisper!

   Hold me more strongly!

   Oh, a terrible mistake of the past.

   I am come to nothing.

BRIDEGROOM (Horatio)

   I am lucky.

   There is no point in fearing a dead person.

   I am lucky.

   There is no one to be afraid of.

   If you are afraid of the sound of the wind, then block your ears for a moment.

GHOST (Hamlet)

   Come with me.

   Even if you block your ears and shut your eyes, you should still be able to hear my voice. To see my figure.

   Let us go.

   Yes, let’s go.

   I have come to protect you, as I promised long ago that I would.

   I have a bed prepared for you. A place where you will sleep sweetly, never waking.

   Ah, come with me.

   My dwelling place is in the depths of a muddy pool. Let us go there with one heart, the end of our path.

   Let us go then. And we shall fulfill our pledge of long ago.

BRIDE (Polonius)

   You no longer embrace me. That is too bad.

   The cold winter wind drags me away.

   Farewell.

   Have no care that I am gone. Drink and be merry. May the warming sun come.

   Can’t you say just one more word?

   You leave behind not a single word, or hair, or kiss. I am gone from you.

   This cannot do.

   Do not forget me.

GHOST (Hamlet)

   Useless things.

   Such pitiful words, they are of no use.

   You do not know the heart of your bridegroom.

   The knight whom you love will surely forget you before the days are past.

   You are a beautiful woman, which is why you are so vulnerable to sin.

   In that world, you shall undergo just the same sins as I have up to now.

   Envy.

   That is what happens when you desire to be loved.

   A truly perfect outcome.

   Sitting in that chair now is an altogether smaller, more bashful, younger woman than you, one who looks just like you,

   who will make new pledges to her lover, and presently bear his children.

   In this world, such frivolous people are always loved by others, are always happy.

   So, let us go.

   Just you and I.

   Though we are battered by the wind and rain,

   Let us fly away, crying and weeping, spinning around.

QUEEN   Stop it! Hamlet, that’s enough, stop it! Who wrote this rubbish? I can’t bear to watch it. If you only mean to cause offence, please do something a bit more intelligent. You’re a mediocre bunch, a despicable group of people. Well, if you will excuse me. I feel like throwing up.

KING   There’s nothing to get so worked up about. It was interesting, wasn’t it? And it seems there’s more to come. Polonius makes a fine bride. It’s great when he gasped out pathetically, ‘Hold me more strongly!’ I really felt like he was a young maid when she droops her head in disappointment and says, ‘This is the end.’ 

POLONIUS   It is very good of you to say so.

KING   Polonius, I would be grateful if you could come and see me in my room later. Hamlet, you added a few lines that weren’t in the script. And I felt you were lacking in enthusiasm. You need to work on your facial expressions.

QUEEN   Please excuse me, but this was a poor piece of work. Polonius, unless your lover was meant to be some kind of sea nymph, I’m afraid you were quite out of proportion to the part of a young bride. Now, if you will excuse me.

KING   No, please wait. Hamlet, is the play finished now?

HAMLET   Yes, sir. There is some more, but we don’t have to do it. Let’s stop here. It was never my real intention to get involved in the play. Please go home everyone. We’re sorry we bored you.

KING   I thought as much. Now, Gertrude, let us make our excuses together. I happened to find it rather interesting. Horatio, that style of speaking you picked up at Wittenberg, it’s really quite your strong point, isn’t it.

HORATIO   I’m sorry for inflicting that on you. I’m sorry, I wasn’t quite up to my part.

KING   Polonius, you’ll come to my room later, won’t you. Goodnight, everyone.

POLONIUS   This is all too much for me.

HORATIO   It seems like we didn’t pull it off.

HAMLET   Well, it’s to be expected. The queen gets angry, and the king finds it amusing. That alone is enough to give us a clue. Polonius, you’re a fool. You’re a bit old to be as cute as your daughter. I ask you: ‘Just you and I. Though we are battered by the wind and rain, let us fly away, crying and weeping, spinning around!’

POLONIUS   This has all been rather a shock. Well, mind how you go.

SCENE EIGHT

The King’s Chamber

KING   You betrayed me, Polonius. Why on earth did you entice the kids into putting on that ridiculous play? Have you gone mad or something? Get a hold on yourself. I could make sense of it clearly enough. Was this some plot to threaten us into forgiving your daughter the errors of her ways? You’re quite the doting parent, aren’t you. Why don’t you ask me directly? If you have a grudge against me, wouldn’t it be better to be open about it? You are a dishonest sneak. You played a cheap and worthless trick on me. A man should never stake his whole claim on a big scheme like the one you’ve just concocted. Don’t you have any shame, Polonius? What do you think you are doing, taking advantage of Hamlet and Polonius to embarrass us with those frivolous and affected verses? What kind of a play was that? It gave me the creeps to hear that big voice of yours calling out in the darkness. Terrible, ghastly. I felt like weeping tears just watching it. You’ve always been a sensible sort. That’s what I like about you. You’re so scrupulous about what’s going around you, and you can see far ahead into the future. Every suggestion you have ever made has helped me enormously. I don’t know what I would do without you, I am so grateful. I have always depended on you, but there too lies your weak point, I think. You’re not very open about your feelings, stingy even, a grumbler, you don’t say what’s on your mind. You have this funny tendency of putting a gloss on what you say so it sounds more correct. Because you always seem to be bearing some grudge, I’m afraid other people don’t have the highest opinion of you, and because it makes you look like you never mean anything for serious that people always think you’re up to something. You’re a bit of an old woman, and it doesn’t look very nice.

POLONIUS   There is something I have to say to you, my lord, which is that if I do act like a woman sometimes it is only due to your welcome influence.

KING   Have you gone out of your mind? You insult me. With those baggy eyes of yours, you look like quite another person. Whatever will you do next? Just now, you were a pathetic young bride with a creepy little voice. You’ve always been quite feeble-minded, one of those people whose mood is always changing. You lose your sense of age and status at the slightest little excitement, and start jumping up and down. Well, up to a point, but you know, Polonius, you and I have been living under the same roof for the past thirty years, and tonight your behaviour exceeded all bounds of decency. If there is some deep reason for your behaviour, then let me spare no effort in putting you to rights. That, after all, is why I wanted to speak to you. Far from giving a word of apology, you look queer and turn on me. Polonius! Can’t you relax, and speak straight with me. What do you think you were doing acting like a teenager putting on this embarrassing apology of a play just to please the kids? That play, that third-rate play, it was definitely your idea, wasn’t it. Even I could work that out. Even Hamlet and Horatio would have chosen something more sophisticated. You couldn’t have chosen a more old-fashioned and cringeworthy piece. This is entirely your doing. Polonius. Answer me! How could you have come to perform something so rude and insulting?

POLONIUS   Since your majesty is so astute in his observations, I could not hope to add to them.

KING   Don’t be ridiculous. Your politeness sounds positively unpleasant. Are you sulking about something? Quit your genteel airs. You’re just like Hamlet! Have you become Hamlet’s disciple as well? The queen was just telling me that Hamlet’s circle of followers has been growing in size. Horatio has been obsessed with Hamlet from the beginning, and it seems that you have become a follower as well. Hamlet would make an absolutely splendid successor, but it doesn’t do for someone of your age to get bitter. If you have a complaint, why don’t you just get it out with? I am already quite aware of the problem of Ophelia.

POLONIUS   Excuse me, but the problem is not Ophelia. Her destiny is already decided. She will go to a castle in the countryside, where her pregnancy will be quietly taken care of. Then, I shall resign from my position, and Laertes will return from his studies abroad. The house of Polonius will fall. That has already been decided. Polonius will give up his position, and of course Hamlet must marry the English princess. It is for the good of the nation. One may feel sorry for Ophelia, but for the sake of the nation, her plight cannot be changed. The house of Polonius will learn to live with great misfortune. Have no qualms on that point. No, the problem is not with Ophelia. The problem is one of justice.

KING   Justice? I’m not sure I’m with you.

POLONIUS   Justice. The justice of youth. The young people with whom Polonius so deeply sympathizes. I shall reveal all, your majesty.

KING   What’s this? I feel like I’m going to hear a sequel to your little play. You sound strangely dramatic, like you’re just on cue.

POLONIUS   I am serious, your majesty. I beg you not to make a joke of it, and to listen to me seriously. But first there is something that I should like to ask your majesty. How do you feel about all these unpleasant rumours that have been sweeping the castle?

KING   I’m not totally sure what you’re saying, but if you’re talking about Ophelia, I had it on your own authority this morning that they were the stuff of fantasy.

POLONIUS   You should not pretend. The business with Ophelia is no longer a problem. That is as good as taken care of. What I am inquiring about, your majesty, is a rather larger, more fearful matter that may be rather more difficult to solve. Are you sure you don’t know what I’m talking about? Have you no idea at all? It would surprise me if you didn’t …

KING   I do know. Everyone knows. I too am aware of the outrageous rumours that have been circulating with regard to the late king’s death. I feel a deep sense of shame: that such absurd, anarchical rumours should even sound plausible. I take it as a sign of my own inexperience. I have been feeling terribly isolated, and yet these rumours have been continuing to spread, even reaching the ears of foreigners of late, but if I only blame myself, lamenting my own thoughtlessness, then they will get even bigger, spreading beyond the point of no return. Indeed, I was going to consult with you on what I should do about them. Well, it doesn’t matter now. The queen, being a woman, has been worrying herself sick about the rumours, and sleeping badly. If it carries on like this for much longer, she will die. The young don’t know what it means to suffer, carry on with their frivolous jibes and sarcastic jokes, and treat the fate of individuals as material for a play. When I consider my plight, and how you, for whatever reason, have been organizing the kids in their crazy antics, then I truly hate this world. Polonius, you don’t honestly believe these rumours, do you?

POLONIUS   I’m afraid I do.

KING   What?

POLONIUS   Well, I don’t actually believe them, but I do pretend to. This is my final act of loyalty. My lord, or shall I say Claudius, for these past thirty years, not only myself as your loyal retainer but also my family have been afforded your generous favour and protection. When I consider the trouble that has been caused on account of Ophelia’s grievous errors, deep springs of gratitude well within my heart. Yet before making my bitter farewells, I wished to make this final gesture of loyalty as a mark of my obligation to your majesty by giving the young ones a lesson in what may be regarded as ideal behavior. At first, they regarded the rumours as a kind of joke, and were exaggerating it for their own amusement. This was something I could not resist, but rather I told them that the rumours had some basis to them.

KING   Polonius! What kind of loyalty is this? You trick the young ones into spreading these false rumours, that’s not what I would call loyalty or gratitude. Polonius, your offence is not simply one of quitting your job. I am disappointed in you. I thought such things were beneath you.

POLONIUS   I would be grateful if you could keep your anger for later. If I am wrong in my intentions, then I will gracefully accept whatever punishment you impose. My lord Claudius, I am sorry to say that these mysterious rumours have spread further than we expected, and have still not been extinguished. There still seems to be absolutely no simple method of eliminating the rumours at their source. There seems to be no way out of this terrible situation – in my unfortunate flare-up, I concocted this plan to bore the kids and win your sympathy, which has merely ended with both Hamlet and Horatio annoying us all with their crazed and repeated calls for justice, as some kind of statement on your behalf. This tendency has emerged from the depths of the castle, flying to all parts like a flock of hungry locusts. It will not be until sometime in the distant future that the rumours are completely extinguished. Everything has gone according to plan. Rather than being smothered the rumours have spread. If you try to smother them, they only spread further, whereas if you fan and encourage them they die of their own accord. In my case, I’m getting on in years, and when I mix with the young ones with my frivolous talk of ideals and justice, and end up playing the part of a young woman, I feel embarrassed just to think about it. When I think of it now, I come out in a cold sweat. I beg the benefit of the doubt.

KING   Well said. A most professional plea, but you know, Polonius, I’m not a child. How am I expected to believe such a pathetic apology? Even if I wanted to believe you, it still sounds ridiculous and laughable. What does all this childish stuff mean if you want to put out the rumours at their source you have to give them more encouragement? You might be able to get someone like Hamlet to listen to you and respect you, but you’re just a buffoon as far as I’m concerned. You have been a very great minister, Polonius. Please don’t say any more! I won’t be ridiculed. And I’ll tell you something. I suppose you have always harboured certain feelings for Gertrude. When her husband the old king died suddenly and Gertrude was in the grip of grief, I clearly perceived your words of consolation to conceal real feelings of unrequited love. You’re an insolent chap, a pathetic guy, and I’ve had my eyes on you ever since. I don’t think you realize this, Polonius, but you’ve been getting extremely uptight about your daughter, and you’ve been fooling the kids with all this stuff about justice and integrity, taking it out on us or else acting pompously, and generally becoming quite incoherent over the matter of your daughter. Up to today you were able to keep your feelings under control, but today they exploded in a comic charade. You wouldn’t have noticed this yourself. You have a bad temper which you are happy to discharge on anyone and without discrimination. Polonius, your feelings have traditionally had a name, and should be kept under control. It came up in the words that Hamlet spoke in the play we’ve just been hearing. Did you catch it? What I’m talking about is the word ‘jealousy’.

POLONIUS   Most people would call me vain, my lord. Love is a kind of blindness, isn’t it. How do you feel on the subject of love, my lord? If you’re in love yourself, then it seems as if everyone else is in love too. In any case, the only word that I ask you to retract is the word ‘jealousy’. I have been living the life of a widower a long, long time, and I would never be so stupid as to dishonour myself in that way. It would be a rather strange kind of jealousy, I believe, to envy your majesty’s present state of mind. It is quite natural that you should be pleased that my inmost feelings have at last come to the fore. To think that an old fool like myself should be capable of jealousy, when I am all churned up inside speaks volumes of your sympathy for me.

KING   Shut up! Are you mad, Polonius? Who do you think you are talking to? Ophelia’s behavior has driven you to despair. Your impertinence would be enough to have you removed from office and cast into prison. These loathsome, obscene conjectures are the most despicable I have ever heard. Polonius, buildings are built to last but can be destroyed in an instant. After this evening’s effrontery, your thirty years of service will be completely expunged from the memory. Your service has been in vain. You can never tell how a man’s life will turn out. Never, never tell. If we could determine our destiny according to our free wills, I would have believed you, but it seems that our destiny is the will of heaven after all. Polonius, until a moment ago, I had been intending to forgive you, and was well aware of the seriousness of Ophelia’s situation. When it seemed that knowledge of Ophelia’s pregnancy by Hamlet had become widespread, when it looked as if Hamlet would continue embarrassing Ophelia despite my warnings. I was prepared to give up the English princess and have the two of them married. The queen is on Ophelia’s side. The queen came begging and weeping to me this evening on Ophelia’s behalf. Gertrude, who had been sneering at me all this time, forsook her pride, and I had to listen to her. Inviting the princess from England was one serious possibility, but I don’t have the guts to cope with the likely discord. I’m weak! I’m no great politician. I put the harmony of our household even above the destiny of Denmark. If I can just be a good husband and a good father, then I’m satisfied. I guess I lack the qualifications to be a king. I thought that I would forgive you all. You are all such half-hearted subjects. I was planning to make up to you – for us to help each other – when you have to go and do a stupid thing like that. I can only assume that your family will be ruined now, and made destitute, and that the queen will discard the love she had felt before seeing your distasteful satire, and if as a last resort you find some way of wheedling a way around me, then I will accuse you in the most unflattering terms of emotional blackmail. Polonius, I have absolutely no wish to forgive you now. You’re an idiot. You can’t hide anything from me. I can forgive a man his views, but not his stupidity. Stupidity is the greatest of sins. Polonius, I’m sorry that you will have to quit your position. But you do understand why, don’t you?

POLONIUS   Lies, your majesty, all lies. You say you were going to permit the marriage of Hamlet and Ophelia; it’s just a big lie. That you’re weak? That you’re a bad politician? That you love the peace of your household more even than Denmark? These have to be lies. There can be few more preeminent politicians in the whole of Europe than Claudius. I am quite stunned to hear you say such things. My lord, you shouldn’t hide these things. There is no one in this room besides ourselves. It is already the early hours of the morning. The people of the castle, the little birds in the eaves, the mice in the rafters, they are all of them sound asleep. There is no one to overhear our conversation. Speak freely, my lord. Polonius knows everything. You have been secretly planning my downfall these past two months.

KING   You are merely adding to these absurd rumours. What does it matter that it’s past midnight? Why did you need to get so furious and shamelessly pile one crude epithet upon another in your play? It’s disgusting. Fall, Polonius, and I shall deliver my sentence.

POLONIUS   I shall hear your judgment. Polonius is prepared. It is quite inescapable. You have been preparing for this moment these past two months. You’ve been waiting for me to make a mistake. I have been aware of this, which is why I’ve been doing my best to avoid going against your wishes and until yesterday had managed not to commit any serious mistakes. One of the reasons why I sent my son Laertes to study in France was to protect him from your terrible prying eyes. Even if I have a fault, I had somehow to contrive to protect the young Laertes from his wilder tendencies. If Laertes did himself commit some errors, then you were only waiting for that to happen so you could get rid of us. To make doubly sure, I sent Laertes to France, but without a moment to think of my own safety, unfortunately the one person I was relying on the most, Ophelia, I learnt yesterday that she had done something outrageously stupid, the rug had been pulled from under my feet, and I sensed I was in deep trouble. Ophelia had been my bit of good luck, but I felt like a drowning man clutching at a straw, I was about to consult with Hamlet this morning, but if you will forgive me for saying so, my lord Hamlet is still young. He has this tendency to ramble, like black clouds grumbling in the distance and gathering gradually overhead. I wouldn’t trust him with anything. If you take the trouble to find out, you will realize that Hamlet is not very concerned about Ophelia at present. What’s bugging him are these terrible rumours about the late king, and since he seems so enthusiastic to find out the source of these rumours, if you just stand by and say nothing about what the youngsters are up to, the consequences are unlikely to be very nice: like trying to get a snake out of a bush. Here is Polonius, risking everything in the final expression of his loyalty, having no hesitation in supporting the youngsters in their fears. He dashes in head first, screaming for justice, proposes putting on that pathetic play, makes a fool of himself in front of the youngsters: such a disaster, in fact, that your majesty couldn’t believe a word of it. In the depths of my heart, it is of course Ophelia for whom I feel most sorry. I suppose it is for her happiness for which I have been most deeply concerned. Dispel those unfortunate doubts without a moment’s delay, drive all thoughts of Hamlet from my heart, then Ophelia shall be all mine. I shall devote myself to her service. I hadn’t left Ophelia out of all my plotting. But that’s not the only thing. Believe me, your majesty! Human beings have this instinct to want to do good. They have this need to receive the gratitude of others, and it is for your majesty, for her majesty the queen and for my lord Hamlet that this very day Polonius intended to make his final gesture of loyalty. While it is natural for Polonius to have expected a word of praise, whether through his stupid apologies or through despair he made fools of you, labeled false accusations, even of jealousy, so that unable to restrain himself any longer, he offends you even further with this chaotic apology. Polonius is already aware of this. Your majesty has been waiting these past two months for me to get myself into this mess. So now you’ve got what you wanted. Polonius is an idiot after all. The biggest idiot in Denmark. Although I somehow knew it would turn out like this from the start, and I could still do my duty without having to make this gesture, I was forced into a position of disadvantage. My punishment has been all the worse as a result. I have dug my own grave.

KING   Ah, I was just nodding off. You have finally enchanted me with your rhetoric, quite won me over. But you’re not finished yet, Polonius. It won’t do you any good setting out your complaints again. Give way, Polonius. My mind is made up.

POLONIUS   You are a bad man, sir. A bad man, and I despise you. Shall I say so? Don’t you think I don’t know? I saw you. With my very own eyes I saw you. I saw it these two months ago, and I have had one trouble after another ever since. You realize you were seen by me, and you’ve been planning my downfall ever since with the eyes of a hawk, the eyes of a pelican. You loathe me, your majesty. I am only too aware that you wish to drive me into a corner, sweep me away from the castle. Ah, I wish I’d never seen anything. Wish I’d never known anything at all. Justice! A moment ago I was pretending to be the noble guardian of justice, and now I’m not pretending; I feel like screaming out the word.

KING   Get away with you! I won’t stand for this nonsense. These are just veiled threats to force me to pardon your mistakes. You dirty, filthy old man!

POLONIUS   I’m not giving in so lightly. I saw you. With my own two eyes, I can’t forget it. It was bitterly cold that morning but brightened a little before midday, and as the weather had changed, the old king went out into the garden. That was when it happened!

KING   You’re raving mad! I shall deal with you shortly.

POLONIUS   Deal with me as you will, but I saw what I saw, and it’s because I did see it, that I will be punished. You’re the devil! Are you going to kill me with your dagger?

KING   Forgive me. I never meant to kill you. It just slipped out of its scabbard. Those inconsiderate words of yours have driven your daughter’s lovely character to a frenzy. I had been taking you for a pitiful old man, and just as I had predicted you’ve now gone completely mad. You babble strange and fearful things and so without thinking what I’m doing, I take out my dagger, and stab you. Forgive me, but you went too far. If it’s Ophelia, don’t worry. You understand what I’m saying, Polonius? You can read my face, can’t you?

POLONIUS   It’s for justice. I want justice. Arm yourself, Ophelia. Your daddy was a bad daddy, you know.

KING   I’m crying. Real tears welling up in my own eyes. No bad thing is they wash away those sins of mine, Polonius, so what was it you did see? It’s natural you should have your doubts. No, who’s that? Who’s that standing there? Don’t run away. Wait! Oh … Gertrude.

SCENE NINE

The Great Hall of the Castle

HAMLET   Funny, Polonius hasn’t shown his face since last night, has he? Bit strange, isn’t it? Nothing to worry about, though. We’re all adults after all. Even if you know that your pathetic schemes are going to get found out, he still takes his pleasure in being the serious servant that he is, which is why people will remember him as man of honour. He takes his honour to extremes. But their scheming has certainly not failed. Horatio regards the king as white as day, gives three cheers for the house of Hamlet. We too were fooled for a moment, felt ashamed to doubt the king, were concerned we’d get a ticking off, trusted our uncle completely, doubted ourselves rather. Everyone in the castle has come to raise their estimate of uncle. People’s hearts are infantile after all. They are like reeds in the wind, blowing left to right without resistance. Just after our play, Polonius seemed to me out of his mind, while uncle made the most pathetic of apologies and retired to his room, and when he thought he could relax, he would have been shocked to realize it was no joke, and we’d got him lock, stock and barrel. There was something there after all! Those unfortunate rumours were not lies! My uncle and Polonius have had a taste of their own evil. The two of them are staring grimly at each other, doing their damnedest to avoid the awful truth. But the thing is, we don’t know. Our eyes don’t deceive. I shall have to decide on some plan. Those two, they’re the bad guys. Even Polonius has known everything from the beginning. He’s brilliant at getting us to think his way with his talk of justice and being a friend of youth. If he really is a friend of youth, then heaven is crammed to overflowing, while hell is almost empty. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I got a bit overexcited, and forgot that Polonius is your father. I have been singling out your father for my particular loathing. I feel the same about my uncle. I dislike all the grownups with equal measure. There’s no mistaking that. Oh no, you’re crying. Why are you crying? Is it because you feel helpless about your father? You’re worried, aren’t you, but it’s alright. Right now, I’m absorbed in the most serious business, the secret destiny of the king. What kind of business that is, even I don’t understand. But to be sure, it is not a good job.

OPHELIA   I’m not crying. A speck of dirt got in my eye, and I was rubbing it with my handkerchief. Ah, there, it’s gone. Am I crying? Hamlet, when you make those wild speculations about my feelings, I do sometimes feel like I want to let loose. When I gaze with rapture at the evening sunset, and think how beautiful it is … when you place a cautious hand on my shoulder, I know, it hurts, but it’s not just you who hurt, I know the sadness of the sunset, but if you could just hold back … in this world there are thousands, hundreds of thousands of people who would live only for me, who would even consider dying for me, who have that kind of patience, so when you give me your precious stuff, treating me as if I were already dead, it does hurt, it does make me feel weird. Don’t you find anything sad about me? You watch over me too closely, and when you make one of your scenes, I feel confused. Women don’t feel such profound thoughts. We don’t see things with such precision. I do feel a little concerned that father hasn’t shown up yet, but I have faith in him. My father isn’t the wicked person you say he is. You’re such a changeable sort. You hate the world today, and tomorrow you’ll be praising it to the sky. I’m not terribly interested in what you say, Hamlet, it’s just, like just now, you cast these wild aspersions at my father, then I want to cry. My father is a timid sort, very easily excited. That play last night, I didn’t have the strength to go and see it, but if my father had said he was doing it to set things right, then I’m quite sure that’s what he meant. My father’s always telling little lies just for the fun of it. He tricks me, but he never tells a dangerous lie. He is a serious person in that sense. Fastidious even. And he has a strong sense of responsibility. Yesterday, I think father had been moved by your passion, and put on the play without really thinking what he was doing. Can’t you just trust my father a little bit?

HAMLET   I’m not sure why exactly, but today those red lips of yours are speaking fine words. If you carry on like this, you’ll be talking like me, which won’t make me unhappy.

OPHELIA   If I’m going to be as talkative as you, then I don’t want to say anything at all. I’m being quite serious, Hamlet. From now on, I’m going to say exactly what’s on my mind. You just want my sympathy. If I hesitate and cut myself off in mid-sentence, it puts you in a bad mood, you can’t trust me, and because you’re so cautious in affairs of the heart, you end up stammering platitudes. It seems I’ve lost my confidence these past two months. I whimper and sigh, and can’t say the things I want to say. It didn’t use to be like that, but since becoming party to this terrible, painful secret, my world has fallen apart. But yesterday the queen spoke kindly to me, and I’ve been feeling much better. Physically too, I feel like a different person compared with yesterday, and that if I were to have your child, Hamlet, I could bring it up properly. I am happy now. Really, really happy. I’m going to go back to being the tomboy I was, hold my head high, and say whatever comes into my head. Hamlet, you know how to think your way round problems. Excuse me for saying this, but the things you say, they’re all like play acting. You talk like you’re drunk all the time. You’re a sucker, aren’t you. I’m sorry. I know – I’m stuck up. I’m dirty. Perhaps it’s because you’re so deep. You always have to be the tragic hero, don’t you. I’m sorry to say it, but it’s true. Neither the king, your father, nor my father Polonius are the wicked, vile people you say they are. It’s because of your sulking and your jaundiced views, but the king, my father, and the queen too have been seriously put out by your behavior. That’s all there is to it in my opinion. Recently, there were some unpleasant rumours circulating in the castle, but no one took them seriously. My maid and my nanny tell me that that kind of play is popular abroad. It was a nicely concocted piece, and they say a relaxing one. The king of Denmark and his queen were presented in a way you wouldn’t even dream about. We all love our king and queen, and I think it’s right that we do. The person whom I suspect is really suffering is the lady of the castle: about you. It seems that my father arranged the performance last night out of his desire for justice, but I have to wonder what the real reason was. My father was certainly in an excited mood. He’s very excitable, as I said. I’m not qualified to be telling my father what to do. It’s only to be expected that girls in general should be quite unable to hide from their fathers. I cannot say exactly why but I do believe my father. And I trust the king as well. The queen has always earned my respect. It’s as simple as that. Hamlet, you’re the only one who says they’re frauds and tricksters, con men. You alone say we are surrounded by evil men and women; it’s very stressful, even if it is a joke. There are no enemies, only the enemies you imagine in your mind. You want to be a profound person but you’re indecisive and easily deceived. The king, the queen, they both love you so much, but they can’t make you out. There aren’t any bad people, Hamlet. Maybe you’re the only bad one. Everyone’s living at peace and harmony with each other, and you have to be so difficult and literal about everything. You attack everyone, bother us, and you seem to think that your love is the purest, most perfect in the world.

HAMLET   You took your time, Ophelia. Your tears and whimpers had me worried, but your brazen attitude takes me quite aback. What happened to you today, Ophelia? I can’t make you out. Oh I see, that’s what you’ve been thinking of me all along. It’s a pity, isn’t it. You can never get a woman to listen to what you say. They don’t understand anything, do they. I’m a softie, I know. Or a drunkard, like you say. A nasty piece of work. A showy git. I don’t mind. If that’s what you see, it can’t be helped. But I absolutely promise you I’m not hiding anything. I don’t believe for one minute that my feelings are so pure and perfect, or that I’m out to get everyone. On the contrary, I’m a very ordinary chap, and a bit careless. It’s embarrassing to admit it, but my life’s in chaos. I know all about my thoughtlessness and my vices. I know where my weak points lie. I’m no fancy thinker, I can tell you. I’m a realist. Anyone, anything, I can judge accurately. My stupidity, my limitations, my shameful stuff, I know them all to a tee. And not only that. I have the sixth sense that can see the shadows behind people. I’m quick at sniffing out people’s secrets. It’s a vile habit. Recognizing people’s vices is one thing, but even so, being able to do it with the alacrity I have is surely as bad as the vice itself. When I’m having an illicit affair, then I know where other people are as well. It may seem like something to be proud of, but actually it’s a shameful skill. I regard this wicked sixth sense of mine as a misfortune. I’ve never once been able to shake off my suspicions. I’m an unfortunate guy, Ophelia. You should understand that. I have nothing to be high and mighty about. I’m an idle, cowardly neurotic. You may well wonder how I keep going. Ophelia, when I speak ill of my uncle, and my mother, and of Polonius, I do not mean either to hate or despise them. I am not qualified to do so. I can only reproach myself. I am always being betrayed and rejected by those people, but still I reproach myself. I trust them, and in a corner of my heart I even respect them, but they observe me in this strange way, they sneer at me like I’m some untouchable creature. None of them are especially wonderful people, but they always manage to betray me so perfectly. They’ve never once confided in me. When I was growing up, they never once shouted at or scolded me. Why do they irritate me in this way? I have always given them my love. I have loved them, I really have. I have sacrificed my life for them. They shun me and criticize me behind my back. It bugs me, the way they always seem so disappointed with the eldest son. I can understand well enough. There’s nothing jaundiced about my point of view. All I know is the truth. Ophelia, do you understand what I’m saying, even a little? You’re an adult. When someone like you starts telling me to act like an adult, it sounds cold. There was a philosopher who said that true love is a desire for loneliness, and what he said is true. Ah, I’m getting bloated on love. I’m starving for affection. I long for a few simple words of affection: like ‘You’re alright, Hamlet!’, in a loud voice. Isn’t there anyone who can give me what I need?

OPHELIA   I’m afraid not. Not even Ophelia can help you this time. Hamlet, you’re very good at evading the issue. If I say one thing, you’ll say another. If I say you’re pretentious, you’ll say the opposite, that no one ever lived such a miserable life as yourself. If I truly understood your bad points, you only mock yourself and beat your chest. Perhaps if I said nothing you might try to mend your ways. But it’s pointless if all you can do is make fun of yourself. I’m sorry, but you’re just a terrible showoff. You really bother me. Pull yourself together, Hamlet. If you want loving, the sweet words of a woman, then I suggest you say nothing. Everyone does love you. You’re just a bit greedy. I’m sorry but when people really love each other they don’t want to talk soppy all the time. When you love someone, you feel a certain pride in loving them. Even if you say nothing, you will sometimes feel a modest pride in the fact that the other person does understand you. But you trample all over that modest pride. You try to get people to shout out the answers. Love, it is embarrassing. And being loved inevitably leads to some kind of wrong or other. So, however deeply two people love each other, it’s pretty hard for them to say they like each other. It would be much easier if you could force people into saying they love you. It’s cruel. It’s selfish. Hamlet, even if you can’t believe I love you, you should at least believe in the queen’s love. Have some pity for the queen. She depends on you alone. Yesterday in the garden, she took me by the hand, and wept such bitter tears.

HAMLET   You surprise me. To hear from you the philosophy of love, it surprises me. When did you get to learn all that stuff? But anyway, I’d prefer it if you didn’t. Women with a little learning unfailingly get rejected by men. St Paul said so. If the teachings of women contradict the privileges of the male species, it’s better to keep quiet. Then you conclude that if women have modesty, faith, love and purity, they are saved by their ability to have children. What you mean is that if women are going to teach people things, they must treat their men folk with care and quietly teach the children they bear. You’re a good person so don’t go repeating your strange philosophy. The world is getting dark. The cunning I’ve learned from my mother has somehow lifted my confidence. My mother’s quite a schemer, you know. One of these days, she will suffer the penalty of Paul. When you see her the next time, tell her this. Never once in the history of love has love been achieved without the use of words. The person who thinks that true love means saying nothing is being both smug and stubborn. It is embarrassing having to tell someone you like them. Everyone finds it embarrassing. But it’s just when you block off those feelings of embarrassment, and leap into the foaming surge crying out those fearful words, that true love is born. Your love won’t come to much if you don’t say anything. You’re thinking only of yourself, calculating your next move. Taking responsibility for your behavior is frightening. Can we call that love? If you’re too embarrassed to say anything, it’s because you’re putting yourself first. It’s frightening, jumping into the roaring waves. If you truly love someone, you’d find the words without even thinking of them. It doesn’t matter if they don’t quite come out right. Just a single word will do; you don’t have to be very eloquent. Cats, doves, they have their own language, don’t they? You won’t find any love without words, wherever you look, past or present, east or west; you tell my mother that. Love is language. Without words, love will disappear from this world of ours. It’s a big mistake to think that love means something without language. You’ll find it in the Bible. My mother would often read me that bit where it says ‘The Word was with God, and the Word was God. In Him was life, and the life the light of men.’ 

OPHELIA   I would never ask for a lesson from the queen. I can only express my thoughts to the best of my ability. Hamlet, you do say terrible things. If, as you say, love is not something that can be expressed without language, then it can hold no interest for me. It would be better not to love at all. But we live in a troublesome world. I can’t believe anything you say. God exists, but He is silent, and yet loves all people. God loves you! Even if He never calls out to you personally, He still loves you. He loves everything and everyone, the forests, the grass, the flowers, the rivers, the young women, adults, the wicked, He loves them all, and all without saying a word.

HAMLET   You’re talking childish rubbish. Mere heresy and idolatry. The divine does have something to say. Think about it. How did the very first human beings come to realize the existence of God? Isn’t that the Word? Isn’t that the Good News? What about Christ? … Oh now, when my uncle rushed out of the room, his face pale with consternation, taking his courtiers with him, I wonder if what took place in the Great Hall today was a kind of ceremony. This room doesn’t get used a great deal, which is why I thought it would be appropriate for having a secret meeting with you. I have often called you here, but I couldn’t avoid the abruptness of this encounter. Quickly escape through this door. We can carry on our discussion later. There are various things I need to teach you. Yes, that door. What a nimble creature you are! Disappeared like the wind. It seems that love makes acrobats of women. Sorry, a tasteless joke.

KING   Hamlet, it’s started! The war has started. Laertes’ boat has been lost. We just heard the news. The boat which was carrying Laertes had got to the Kattegat Strait, and a Norwegian warship appeared suddenly from nowhere, and opened fire. Ours was a cargo vessel, on its own. But Laertes acted bravely. He gave encouragement to the frightened sailors, stood all alone on the upper deck with his gun, shooting at the enemy until his bullets were exhausted. The enemy fire hit our mast, and in an instant the sails were alight. One cannon ball hit the side of the ship, and it burst apart with a dead bang. The boat tilted sharply, but it was already too late. By now, Laertes was giving orders for the lifeboats to be lowered, and first helping the four or five passengers into them, he next ordered the evacuation of sailors with wives and children, and stayed on board with five or six sturdy young sailors, who each met the advancing enemy with their swords. Fighting to hold off the enemy ship, Laertes showed the fortitude of Hercules, ignoring all fear of death. Seeing his courage, the enemy sailors took fright, and stood around the boat unable to do anything but to wait for it to sink. Laertes heroically sacrificed his own fate to that of the boat. Such a pitiful sight! Just like his father, a loyal subject, a true hero worthy of his father’s name. We must repay Laertes’ great courage. Now is the time for Denmark to take its stand. Years of tension with Norway have finally erupted into violence. That is what I decided as soon as I had heard the sudden news this morning. The good Lord is a friend of justice. If Denmark fights, Denmark must certainly win. I’ve been waiting for this opportunity for some time. Laertes has become an honourable victim. Parent and child united, no, the spirit of Laertes will watch patiently over us. This is my duty as king.

HAMLET   Laertes. The same age as me, 23. We used to walk around on stilts together. He could be a bit stubborn and stroppy, and he wasn’t quite on my level, but he was a great guy. He’s dead? Ophelia will faint to the ground when she hears about this. It’s lucky she’s not here now. As a matter of honour and out of consideration for my own future advancement, he breaks off his studies in France due to the emergency back home; he abandons his own ambitions just like that. It’s to our great regret that he should have sacrificed himself for the honour of his country. I am the loser. Laertes, you hated me, didn’t you. I didn’t care for you either. I was even scared of you when things got serious with Ophelia. We used to have such fierce fights when we were little. But it was all in friendship. Even though it looked like we were smiling at each other, we hated each other. You got in my way, but you were still a splendid fellow. Father …

KING You’ve called me father for the first time ever! A worthy prince of Denmark. Let’s abandon all this personal business for the future of Denmark. I shall this very moment gather all my subjects into this great hall to make an important proclamation. Hamlet, put on your splendid general’s outfit.

HAMLET   No, I shall wear the uniform of a mere private. I have lost to Laertes. How is Polonius? He must be grieving greatly.

KING   That is to be expected. I will give him all the sympathy I can. But I wonder what has happened to the queen. I haven’t seen her since this morning. I just sent Horatio to find her, but you haven’t seen her yourself? It wouldn’t do for the queen to be absent from the proclamation ceremony. It’s inconvenient enough not having Polonius here.

HAMLET   Polonius? Isn’t he in the castle? Where can he have got to? Uncle, why has your complexion changed?

KING   Oh, it’s nothing. On a morning of such great moment for our country, it is not such a problem not having Polonius here in person. Isn’t that right? Though I say it myself, Polonius isn’t in the castle right now. He’s a disloyal subject. There isn’t time to say any more than that. Now is the time to talk frankly and solemnly of such things.

HAMLET   Has anything happened? Did something happen last night? It seems that it isn’t only the excitement of the war that has been occupying your mind. In all the excitement over Laertes’ heroic death, I quite forgot matters nearer to hand. Uncle, I suppose that you will be using the excuse of war to cast a veil over your dark deeds. Surprisingly …

KING   What are you nattering on about? Hamlet, you’re a fool! A big fool! Give us a break from your little jokes, because a war is no joke at all. There’s only one mediocrity in the whole of Denmark, and that’s you. If you doubt me so much, then I’ll answer you direct. Hamlet, the rumours in the castle are true, but the idea that I poisoned the old king is mistaken. I had resolved to do so one night, that’s all. The king died of a sudden illness. Hamlet, are you going to carry on punishing me? For the sake of love. It’s truly regrettable, but that’s all there is to it. So now, Hamlet, I have said everything. Do you intend to punish me?

HAMLET   It would be better to call on God. Oh, my father! No, uncle, you’re not my father. I had a father once. A beloved father. A father who would carry on smiling genially amidst a crowd of traitors. Traitors … such as yourself!

KING   Oh Hamlet, are you mad? You pluck out your dagger and quicker than an instant, you cut my left cheek. You’re an idiotic fool. The blood is flowing, and making a mess. What do you think you’re playing at? You think of cutting me down, and you injure me in the cheek with the tip of your sword. Are you practicing for your suicide, or is this a new form of blackmail? There’s no point worrying about Ophelia, you idiot. I was planning to have the two of you married when you returned in triumph. There’s nothing to cry about. When the war starts, you’ll be one of the leaders. If you cry like that, you’ll lose your men’s trust. Oh no, the blood’s got all over my coat. Someone escort Hamlet to a safe place, and give me some first aid. It’s the excitement of war has addled his mind. He’s nothing more than a little wimp. What is it, Horatio?

HORATIO   I apologize for my disordered state! It’s the queen. You know that stream in the royal gardens …

KING   She jumped in!

HORATIO   We were too late to do anything. It seems she had only just expired. She was dressed in her mourning wear, and was clasping a small silver cross in the palm of her right hand.

KING   She lost her nerve. The person who should have helped me at this important time has committed this stupid, selfish act. I’m not a bad person! She was the weak one. She has been defeated by the speculations of others. It doesn’t bear thinking about. There are some men who can carry on living in the face of humiliation. The people who die are the selfish ones. I don’t die. I will fulfill my destiny by living. God will unfailingly love a lonely man like me. Be strong! Claudius, forget about love. Forget about looking good. Fight for the greatest banner of all, for the honour of Denmark! Hamlet, there are men with more tears to shed in your heart than you.

HAMLET   I cannot believe you. I shall hold onto my doubts until the day I die.